


Sugar

by Camelabrakedabra



Series: Unfavourable Love [7]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, Catfishing, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-01-12 16:38:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18450488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camelabrakedabra/pseuds/Camelabrakedabra
Summary: Rich CEO Choi Seungcheol gets his romance with a much younger girl, university student Yoon Jeonghan gets showered in money and gifts. Everyone wins.Of course, it couldn't be that simple, though. Between Seungcheol's looming divorce from the mother of his children, the underlying secret about Jeonghan's true self, and the fact that neither of them are attracted to men in the first place, it's set to go downhill at any point.





	1. Chapter 1

Vanilla and honey.

Those were Jeonghan's signature scents. They were the scents that drove Choi Seungcheol wild.

It was basic biology. Vanilla, in particular, naturally got men aroused. Whenever they would smell it, they would be in the mood for more. To pull someone in and kiss them. To touch their chests together or whisper beautiful things into their ear or tickle warm breath against their neck. And that was certainly the case when it came to Seungcheol. As long as that warm vanilla and honey invited him in, he would be all over Jeonghan.

It was the sort of thing that he never mentioned, though. He could compliment Jeonghan on anything else - his smile or laugh or the way that his eyes dripped with lust after they kissed using tongues - but never on that. He never mentioned the scents that clung to Jeonghan's hair and skin and clothes. The scent of honey on his scalp when Seungcheol kissed the top of his hair and inhaled the sweetness that radiated off him. The scent of the honey and vanilla body wash that still lingered in the background hours after Jeonghan had showered - something that he had chosen specifically to match the perfume that he sprayed on his neck and wrists and that special patch behind his ears. Seungcheol would occasionally catch the scent and his chest would expand as he committed it to memory, and it would always be the most beautiful sight, as far as Jeonghan was concerned. It was a sign that his charm was working and he was making the other man want him. There wasn't necessarily any _love_ between them, but so long as Jeonghan drew him in and made Seungcheol want him, they were just fine.

With the gentle whisper of, "My dearest Jeongha, you're so beautiful," Choi Seungcheol would sweep him off his feet. Sometimes he would squeeze his hand that little bit tighter as he urged them to walk back to his car that little bit quicker, and Jeonghan's chest would clench at the same time. It was a sign that they were going to share a kiss, which always happened to make Jeonghan nervous. Sometimes, when they were in a more secluded place, he would skip out on the hiding and simply take the opportunity to graze his lips against Jeonghan's shoulder or neck. His eyelashes would tickle the skin and Jeonghan would almost always feel the overwhelming urge to give Seungcheol everything. He didn't know what it was; the minute that Seungcheol's hand grazed the small of his back or his lips would brush against his neck or his eyelashes would leave little butterfly kisses on his flesh, Jeonghan could hardly contain himself. It was difficult, to say the least. Incredible difficult. But he always managed to keep his clothes on and that was a huge achievement.

The same couldn't be said for Seungcheol. For the most part, he managed to stay dressed, but it wasn't always possible. Not when they were so new to the experience of being with each other. Jeonghan couldn't even begin to describe the emotions that filled his body every time they were in the car together and Seungcheol suggested that they either find somewhere quiet or go back to his place. "I won't be expected to stay over if I come to your house, will I?" Jeonghan would always ask, just to be sure.  
"I won't make you do anything that you don't want to do," Seungcheol would always promise, apparently never getting bored of answering that same question time and time again. "If you want to stay, just tell me and I can make that arrangement. If you don't want to stay, I'll take you home as soon as you're ready to go." And then they would end up going back to the house and Jeonghan would always get a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach as they left the car in silence and made their way towards the house. The lights were always off, as to be expected when a person lived on their own. It was empty and Seungcheol had to pay his own bills, so it only made sense that the lights were off. But it felt domestic, in a way, though Jeonghan would never admit that out loud. It felt as if they owned the house together and they were coming home from a real date, and Jeonghan quite liked that thought.

They would end up on Choi Seungcheol's bed as soon as their shoes were off and they found their way into the bedroom. It was a king-sized bed with plenty of room for them both. A lasting sign of his still-fresh divorce. It loomed over them both as they rolled onto the bed together, although neither would address it. It just wasn't the time or place to bring up Seungcheol's ex-wife. And besides, even if Jeonghan _was_ to bring her up, the chances of Seungcheol actually giving him a straight answer about their relationship were very slim. He didn't want to talk about her, and that was fine with Jeonghan. He didn't really want to talk about her either, if he was being completely honest. It was something that was bound to bring up bad memories and anyway, the thought of a woman doing what he was doing with Seungcheol in the exact spot that they were doing it left a bitter taste in Jeonghan's mouth. He might not have been in love with Choi Seungcheol, but he still didn't like the thought of who had known him first, even three years after the last time that Seungcheol had had sex with her.

The thought would, thankfully, drift past pretty quickly. And although Jeonghan's clothes would stay on, that didn't mean that Seungcheol wasn't all over him to make up for the fact that they were still very much present. Their kisses would grow heavier and then Seungcheol's lips would be on his neck for real - no teasing or grazing this time - and then Jeonghan would let out a moan that was way too soft compared to his usual voice. It matched his imitated voice perfectly, however, and Seungcheol would eat it up right away. His hands would start to creep up Jeonghan's shaved thighs and Jeonghan would go straight for the kill and grab his bulge without any warning at all, and suddenly Professional CEO Mr Choi Seungcheol would be sighing with arousal and desperately trying to seek more contact. Their hips would meet and his hand would move to Jeonghan's chest to slowly grope at the padded bra that he would always wear for these encounters. A rough squeeze with the hand that had been on his thigh as he deliberately tried to make sure that Jeonghan could feel it.

Seungcheol knew that it was padded, of course. He knew that from their first bedroom encounter. He slipped his hand underneath the bra, before Jeonghan could think to stop him, and found very little breast tissue underneath. Whilst he was surprised - as was clear from his expression and the way that he tested it once more to be sure - he didn't dare to question it. As it was, he still hadn't questioned it, having probably figured that it wasn't his place to judge another person over that sort of thing. Instead, he had made sure to worship that part of Jeonghan's body more than anything else. Perhaps as his way of showing him that it was okay that he didn't have the breast size that Seungcheol thought he had before they started doing what they were doing. Occasionally, he would even gather up the courage to take things that little bit further and push Jeonghan's blouse up, given that he was wearing one. He would reach around the back of Jeonghan's body and unclasp that lacy padded bra, and then his lips would meet Jeonghan's skin.

That was something that Jeonghan enjoyed, honestly. He knew that he wasn't supposed to enjoy that sort of thing, but the sensation of Seungcheol's lips and tongue on his chest made him ache with the need to be touched more. Girls didn't tend to touch their boyfriend's nipples like that, but that sort of encounter turned Jeonghan into a firm believer that every man should have his chest kissed like that.

That was one of the perks of intimacy with a much older man who wasn't afraid to worship his partner's body. He would be able to feel how it felt to be touched by someone with experience; someone who genuinely wanted him to enjoy the experience of being in bed with another person without the selfish demands that younger partners had. He didn't give a half-arsed attempt at getting Jeonghan off before insisting that all of his efforts be put into making _him_ feel good instead. No, Jeonghan got just as much out of it as he gave. He would be able to feel the way that Seungcheol's mouth sucked his nipples with varying speed and intensity - somewhere between vacuum suction and kitten licks at any one time. He would get to enjoy the vibrations from Seungcheol's mouth as he _moaned_ against his chest, and he would often find that arching up against his mouth would encourage Seungcheol to suck his nipples that little bit harder until they were glowing red on his chest.

The best part, though, was when Seungcheol got that little bit rougher with him and used his teeth. It didn't happen all that often but when it did, it never failed to make him mewl, which would only make Seungcheol put in that little bit more effort. It would lead to him grinding up against Seungcheol's body, even though he knew full well that it wasn't a great idea, and then Seungcheol's hand would move down again to brush against the back of Jeonghan's underwear. Sometimes he would read the mood perfectly and know that Jeonghan wanted his fingers to move the fabric to one side. He knew that Jeonghan wanted nothing more than to give in to the desire, as much as he wasn't in love with him. That much was obvious from the way that he gazed expectantly for the nod of approval. But that nod never came. Jeonghan understood the implications of giving that nod, along with the trouble that it would inevitably land him in later on down the line, and so he always made sure to stop it before Seungcheol had the chance to take it that far with him.

Saying that, though, it didn't mean that Seungcheol would be left with nothing. Sure, he wanted to be pounding Jeonghan into the mattress, but _not_ having that wasn't the worst thing in the world when he had other options instead. Yes, Jeonghan would flip their positions on the bed right away, and then his hands would start wrestling with Seungcheol's trousers. The button would be popped pretty damn quickly and then he would tug the layers down to Seungcheol's ankles as he encouraged his partner to move to the edge of the bed. Then he would be on his knees on the ground and they would make intense eye contact as Seungcheol anticipated what was coming next.

Even though he wanted more, he never once complained about the fact that Jeonghan sucked him instead. His hands would be in Jeonghan's hair and his eyes lidded, and he would always end up being louder than necessary in order to encourage his partner to continue. Whilst Seungcheol might have been good with his mouth when it came to kissing Jeonghan's chest, Jeonghan was an expert at oral sex. He didn't know how he managed to do it, since he'd never been with a man before Seungcheol and he didn't really receive enough of it to be able to go based on what he liked, but it never failed to leave Seungcheol satisfied. Most of the time he made sure to warn Jeonghan that he was about to finish. Sometimes, he didn't. On those occasions, he would receive a bite on his thigh but it would never really be all that serious. They both knew that it wasn't off the table completely, especially since Jeonghan swallowed without being asked to do so a good portion of the time. To save the mess, of course. Not because he wanted another man to finish in his mouth.

Once they were finished up, Seungcheol would adjust himself and Jeonghan would pull the bra back on, and they would be ready to set off back to Jeonghan's university dorm. In the car, they would be almost silent, spare for an occasional comment about the next time they would meet, but it wouldn't be all that awkward. In fact, it would feel as if they were still basking in the warmth of their affair, even when the moment had long passed. That was what made it fine. They didn't need to speak because they could feel each other's presence and that was great. And so, they would end up parting ways at the university gates, with Seungcheol daring to press a gentle kiss to Jeonghan's lips. Jeonghan would thank him for his time and for the lift, and then he would sneak back onto campus. When he got back to his bedroom, he would find the wad of paper notes in his handbag. Just as promised.

One would think that it would be tiresome to keep up that sort of persona, but Jeonghan actually didn't mind it all that much.

It was exhausting to play the part of someone's romantic interest, of course, but he enjoyed spending time with Seungcheol. He loved the fact that he could escape his daily life for a while, and he particularly enjoyed the fact that his own girlfriend _encouraged_ his career choice. "If he's rich and he's willing to pay you to dress up in drag and go to fancy restaurants with him, you should embrace it," she told him at the start, and that attitude remained consistent throughout his time with Seungcheol. Of course, she didn't know that he was rolling into bed with another man, but Jeonghan was pretty sure that she wouldn't mind that either. After all, she knew that he didn't _really_ like men and that it wasn't going all the way, plus he managed to get more money out of Seungcheol whenever they ended up in bed together. He would always take her out on dates and buy her flowers and treat her to expensive jewellery, so it didn't really matter that much. And if she _did_ find out and she had an issue with it, he knew that reminding her of the things she got out of it would be enough to get through to her anyway.

If not, maybe the knowledge that Jeonghan had Seungcheol wrapped around his finger and he could get any amount of money that he wanted out of the older man _would_ make her feel that little bit happier.

As it was, he could text the older man for money whenever he wanted. That was one of their rules. There wouldn't be any questions at all - he just needed to ask for any amount and it would be in his bank account within the hour. And sure, Jeonghan had never used that power, out of fear that he was abusing the system way too much as it was, but the option was still there. All he needed to do was send a message saying, "I really need a million won," and Seungcheol would do what he could to get it to him as quickly as possible.

Surely, that would make any partner a bit more comfortable with the relationship that he had with Seungcheol. But if not, there was more. A peacock blue Rolls Royce waiting for him at Seungcheol's house in Guri. His driving lessons paid for as soon as he announced that he was ready to start learning. His tuition paid for in full for his entire four-year degree. A beautiful vintage necklace in rose gold with a lock that rested over his heart. A wardrobe filled with classy dresses and high heels and pretty underwear. A Cartier bracelet and holiday to Seychelles prepared in advance for his twentieth birthday. Heck, even the chocolate box that he'd bought him for their first Valentine's together - just four months after they had first met - was classy and beautiful and everything that Jeonghan could have possibly wanted.

"It's not a big deal," he had insisted at the time as he thrust the box towards Jeonghan in that way he always did when he was nervous. "Just something I found online. It's a trick of the trade for companies to bring out their best recipes around Valentine's day so even though you're not officially my girlfriend or anything, I thought it would be a nice way to show my appreciation for your company. Although I suppose that it probably doesn't mean all that much when I could have gone to one of my stores and told them to make you a special box of the unreleased recipes." It wasn't from one of Seungcheol's stores, Jeonghan noted right away. It was a Belgian import from a specialist chocolatier. Not a big deal, apparently.

"I love it just the same," Jeonghan insisted as he took to the box right away, just to prove that he wasn't lying. A humble approach to stop the older man from getting even more nervous about the fact that he'd shown his sensitive side like that. It was the way that Jeonghan dealt with the fact that every gift was specially chosen without being too generic. His favourite colours, his favourite scents, his favourite tastes. Always something beautiful that Seungcheol would have thought about for hours but never wanted him to blow out of proportion. As much as Jeonghan appreciated every single detail, he always downplayed it so that it seemed like a casual gift. And that calmed Seungcheol's nerves quite significantly.

Actually, perhaps _that_ was a reason why his girlfriend would get nervous about their relationship, now that Jeonghan thought about it properly.

Not only because it was clear that Seungcheol loved him - even though Jeonghan didn't love him back - but also because of everything that followed. The sexual intimacy that came as a result of Jeonghan's appreciation for the care and consideration that Seungcheol put into every gift. The dirty talk and kissing and the way that sometimes, after he'd received such thoughtful gifts, Jeonghan would intentionally place Seungcheol's hand on his ass and encourage him to squeeze it. And then the looming romantic intimacy. The way that they discussed body image, including Seungcheol's concerns over his 'dad body'. The way that they could cuddle for hours without saying a word and neither would be bothered. The fact that if Jeonghan tried to be cute whilst they were sat together and touched his foot to Seungcheol's cheek in order to get attention, Seungcheol would immediately press a kiss to the underside of his toes. The way that eventually, the topic of Seungcheol's wife came up when they were getting coffee together and they discussed the topic openly, as if it wasn't something that they'd avoided for so long.

"You know, my wife has been toying with this divorce for a long time now but she said she's finally ready to go through with the divorce now." Seemingly out of the blue, but Jeonghan understood the implications. It meant that things between them were progressing. Seungcheol stared into the mug in front of him and Jeonghan saw vulnerability right away. Another sort of intimacy between them. "It's not because of you, though. I promise. I know she saw us together last week, but..." And then he trailed off. Jeonghan felt a lump forming in his throat right away. Sure, it had been taking a turn from a professional to a personal relationship gradually over the weeks, but he didn't really think that it would end up like that. Another reason why his girlfriend probably wouldn't approve of how far things had gone, now that he thought about it. "I'm sure I've already told you this, but she was going to divorce me well before I met you. I met you because I was lonely and I wanted someone. But I suppose I thought that she would change her mind and ask to move back in with me or something. I doubt you can fully grasp this but even if you were to fall in love with someone else, you would still have this little niggling feeling in your chest when you saw your first love with someone else."

"Is she seeing someone else?" Jeonghan dared to ask. Seungcheol gave a hum.  
"Someone from her church. They started seeing each other after we separated, of course, and she's not planning on marrying him or anything just yet, but he makes her happy and that hurts. I started dating her when I was fourteen and she was thirteen, you know. Together for twenty-five years when she said that she wanted to separate, and married for twenty of those years. Aged eighteen and nineteen respectively."

He went on to explain the fact that they had bought their first house together when they were in their early twenties. Their first child came when he was twenty-two, then the second followed when he was twenty-four. Jeonghan didn't really know what to make of it right away, since Seungcheol's eldest child was older than he was and the youngest was just over a year younger than him, but he chose not to mention it. After all, what were the chances that he was ever going to meet them? It was incredibly unlikely indeed. He was a heterosexual man who wasn't in a romantic relationship with their father, and he certainly wasn't planning on getting to the point where he and Seungcheol were planning a future together. And even if he _had_ thought about it, which he _hadn't,_ it was unrealistic for him to expect something to happen between him and a man who was still legally married anyway.

Well, at least not until that evening when they were getting ready to go home.

The conversation had developed until Jeonghan had revealed some of his deepest thoughts about life and the future and other personal issues, and Seungcheol had opened up to him even more about his own experiences. And then Jeonghan felt a hand reaching across the table to touch his wrist as Seungcheol gazed lovingly into his eyes. "I feel closer to you," he pointed out, and Jeonghan couldn't help but smile.  
"I'm glad. I feel closer to you, too."  
"It's actually making me want to bring up something that I've been considering for quite some time now, though. We've been seeing each other for a few months already and I'd understand if this is moving too quickly, but I would really appreciate it if you would consider being my girlfriend, Jeongha."

And in an instant, the delicate nature of their honey and vanilla relationship was shattered. The warmth of that vanilla was lost to the change in temperature between them and Jeonghan's chest grew tight as the thickness of the honey caught in his throat. But saying that, he knew that there was only one option. He couldn't reject the man after the conversation they'd had and he was sure that if he explained that the sexual and romantic intimacy was just an act - a game - his girlfriend would be a bit more comfortable with it. If he brought up the gifts and the money and the fact that he loved her and not him, he was sure that everything would work out in the end.

He hoped.


	2. Chapter 2

Coffee and cream.

Jeonghan usually preferred to have milk in his coffee. It allowed him to simply get on with his day without feeling weighed down. Cream didn't give him that same luxury. No, it made him feel full and bloated, and so he usually went out of his way to avoid it. Today, though, he needed it. He needed to feel that little bit bloated and weighed down so that he could feel a bit guiltier. Up until he'd taken the first sip of the drink, he didn't feel all that guilty about what he'd done and the fact that Seungcheol wanted to make something of their relationship, but now he was starting to feel it. The feeling wasn't linked as directly as he'd hoped, but it would have to do for now. There was, realistically, no other way of making himself feel guilty about something that didn't even bother him that much.

He took a sip of the drink, inhaling the bitter fumes as he did so. It was a comforting smell; the scent of long nights trying to study for his high school exams and the scent of grumpy early mornings when he'd had to fight to get out of bed. That in itself shouldn't have been all that comforting, mind you, but it reminded him that he was human. He was very much alive. He got tired and he overworked himself. He made mistakes. When he held the mug between his hands, he could feel a heat that stung and made his fingers feel as if they were going to burn to the bone. When he inhaled the scent of the coffee, he was reminded of the fact that he had so many senses in his body. He could see, taste, smell, touch, sense space, sense temperature, sense changes of time.

Oh, and he could hear. Quite unfortunately.

His girlfriend started to complain about his behaviour. He hadn't spoken in almost ten minutes. She wanted him to explain himself; explain why he was asking her if he could have a relationship on the side of what they had. Jeonghan pursed his lips slightly and pressed his hands tighter around the mug. He wanted it to melt his flesh so that he would have to leave immediately and didn't have to answer the question. Of course, it was impossible, but he could always hope that it would do the trick.

"Look," he breathed eventually, trying his hardest to come up with some sort of excuse now that he'd started talking. There was no excuse in sight. He'd started speaking for the sake of it without even considering where he could go next with the conversation. It was typical. "Look, I just think that it would be useful to start a relationship with him. You know that I don't like men in that sort of way, and I'm doing it as Jeongha. He thinks he's in a proper relationship with a girl, he gives me more money and gifts, we can go to Disneyworld in America. Remember, you told me that it was your dream date."  
"I was hoping that we could save up together and make it feel as if we earnt it," she pointed out. Her voice was just as bland as Jeonghan's voice was. It bit back but failed to make him feel any more guilty.

Jeonghan took another sip of his drink as he thought about what to say next. Thankfully, he had an idea, but the execution was important this time. He needed to pick his words carefully so that he didn't upset her any further. And then it eventually came, and he felt a sudden sense of pride in the pit of his stomach as he realised that his argument made sense. "Do you know how much his company makes every year? The net worth?" Of course, she didn't know. How could she possibly know? It was a bit of a niche question that only those who were truly interested in the business would know. He wasn't the owner of Amazon or Microsoft. He was the CEO of a confectionery chain. "The company makes almost six hundred billion won per year. There are hundreds of shops in Korea alone, and there are even more around the world. It's popular in America. It's popular in Europe. It's doing well in the rest of Asia and Australia is importing his company's products."

"Where is this going?" she asked, her patience having not lasted as long as Jeonghan had hoped. It was typical.  
"What I'm trying to say is that he's earning a lot of money every year. He has a lot of money in his savings accounts, and he's probably earning a good few billion won every year. And you know what? I really don't think that there should be billionaires in this world. There's absolutely no need at all. So this is why I'm trying to get him to give me more money and gifts. He doesn't need it. We do. Do you understand what I mean?" And then she went silent. Her eyes were judging his face. She obviously understood where he was coming from, but she wanted to be able to give an argument in return. It wasn't as simple as just accepting that Jeonghan had really thought it all through. It wasn't that simple at all. She knew that there was something else there, but she couldn't really think of what it was.

But then she gave in, and Jeonghan felt a wave of relief hit his chest. There were a few things that he hadn't mentioned and he was worried that she would realise and try to bring it up. The fact that Seungcheol donated huge amounts of money every year to charities for homeless people, women's shelters, and to disabled children. The fact that he'd already spent so much money on Jeonghan and had even made sure that he had absolutely no student debt already. The fact that he was willing to drop any amount of money on Jeonghan if he so much as asked for it. And he was sure that his girlfriend knew about all of that, but she failed to bring it up. It was such a huge relief, but he couldn't be smug about it in case she suddenly realised and got upset with him over it. So he swirled more cream into his drink and took another long sip before placing the mug down on the table again.

Their meeting didn't last for much longer after that. She wasn't happy with him still, but she wasn't going to make that too obvious. He had his reasons for doing things. She just didn't want him to accept the proposal to start a relationship. So Jeonghan had to find a creative way to reject Seungcheol's advances. It wasn't something that he really wanted to have to do - not after he'd spent so much time trying to build the older man up to the point where he wanted to make something of it - but it was something that he would have to accept. After all, who was his girlfriend? Who had he been dating for three years already, since they were in high school and met at the university campus tour? Who did he love dearly and respect more than anything? That was her, and absolutely no one else.

So then she left, and he had to finish off the coffee on his own. Jeonghan took his time with it, figuring that it was the perfect opportunity to re-evaluate his situation. What did he need to do to get ahead now? Probably speak to Seungcheol. There was an element of expectation between them by that point. Seungcheol was expecting that Jeonghan would accept his request to be his girlfriend, and he seemed to be that little bit more affectionate in their messages as a result of that. It wasn't great, but Jeonghan supposed that it would have to do for now. He would be affectionate back, but he would make it explicitly clear that he wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with him.

Except it was a lot harder to do that sort of thing in reality. His fingers hesitated over the keys on his phone, and then he ended up telling Seungcheol that he wanted to meet him instead. "There's something I want to talk to you about," he told him. "Let me know when you're free and I'll meet up with you."

Within minutes, he had a reply from Seungcheol. It was a relief that he was involved with someone who replied so quickly, if he was honest, but it meant that he didn't really have time to mentally prepare himself for the conversation. "Is it something we can do in a phone call, or would you like to meet in person?" he asked right away. And Jeonghan had to reply, even though his original message had simply called for a time, rather than a proper discussion.  
"I'd prefer to do this in person if that's okay. I think it's only respectful."  
"It sounds serious haha. I'll cancel my afternoon meetings and come to see you. Don't worry, they're nothing important and my colleagues can live without me there. Would you prefer to go to a fancy bar for lunch, or do you think that going back to my place would be a better option?"

That was a tough question. On one hand, it would soften the blow if they were at Seungcheol's house. On the other hand, he lived quite far away so it would take them quite some time to get there. And it wasn't really something that he wanted to discuss in the car. But he supposed that he would have to make his decision quickly, so he simply went for the first answer that came into his mind. "I think we should go back to your place and watch a movie together or something. Just give me a bit of time because I need to go back to my dorm and paint my nails - they're chipped and ugly, and I don't want you to see that."

Seungcheol simply replied with the time that he'd be there and told him that he would arrive with a treat. They had a new recipe in the office that day, which all of the staff were trying so that they could judge whether it was going to be popular or whether it needed some changes. So far, the feedback had all been positive, so he figured that Jeonghan would want to give it a try too. And so their conversation finished there, and Jeonghan made sure to rush back to his dorm so that he could change into something more feminine. It was the middle of the day but so far after lunch that most students were in classes or off-site. That meant that he would be able to leave the campus in girl's clothes without having to worry about people catching him and calling him out for it. A huge bonus, as far as he was concerned.

Usually, if there were other people around, he would have to put feminine clothes on underneath something baggy - such as his sports clothes - and then he would have to find somewhere to undress. He would then have to slap on makeup as quickly as possible and make himself look presentable for when Seungcheol arrived to pick him up. It was tough, but it meant that the other students on campus didn't really know about the situation between him and Seungcheol. Of course, most of them would understand the situation, but that wasn't really the point. It was simply something that Jeonghan really wanted to keep secret, so it was going to stay as quiet as possible for as long as he could help it.

Getting ready didn't take him that long at all, actually. He found that makeup had become second-nature and it was incredibly easy to put on just the right amount without it looking cakey or patchy. It was something that had taken him a lot of time to perfect and he'd needed a lot of help from his girlfriend to make sure that it looked great, but now it meant that he was ready in record time. His nails were painted, he was wearing a pretty spring dress with a polka dot pattern, and he was outside early with ten minutes to spare. And then he waited, keeping his purse clutched tightly in his hand. He was nervous, to say the least, but that would have to stay secret. Seungcheol picked up on that sort of thing like a bloodhound usually, so he spent those ten minutes trying to calm himself down and loosen the grip on the bag so that when Seungcheol pulled up next to him, he could get into the car and kiss him without being caught out.

It was one of those kisses that he rarely gave when they first met. One that was held for a particularly long time, that involved him gently sucking on Seungcheol's lower lip and whispering that he missed him. "It's only been two days since we last met each other," Seungcheol told him, although his smile was suggesting that he was flattered by the fact that Jeonghan was so excited to see him. He peppered the comment with one last peck on the lips, and then they started towards his place in silence for the first few miles.

By that point, Jeonghan had sorted himself out. His seatbelt was on, the purse was on the floor where he didn't have to worry about clutching it too tightly, and he occasionally snuck glances at Seungcheol to show him that he was ready to start exchanging little bits of conversation. And so it began. "Oh, your treat is on the back seat. Let me know what you think of it," he said, and Jeonghan immediately turned around to see what he was talking about.

He'd expected something little, like a bag with one or two chocolates inside, but was instead faced with a whole box and a cup of hot chocolate in the cup holder. He glanced over at Seungcheol, only to see the proud little smirk that was making its way onto his lips, and then slowly reached around to grab the box and lift it into the front seat. "This?" he asked. Seungcheol nodded.  
"Okay, maybe there were a few recipes. I made you a box of all of the new things that have been brought into the office lately. Some are sweets, some are chocolates, and we have a few mini pastries that we're in the process of making too. Just to see how well they work. And the drink is yours, too. It's just a packet mix, though, I'm afraid."

If Jeonghan said that he didn't feel guilty after that, he would be lying. He felt _painfully_ guilty. He had gone over there to tell Seungcheol that he wasn't going to be his girlfriend, only to accept exclusive gifts like that from him first. And it wasn't even as if he had the self-restraint to avoid eating them all on the way back. There were two samples of everything, so he ended up feeding some to Seungcheol whilst he drove, finding the feeling of the man's lips against his fingers strangely exciting each time they brushed against the skin. He would have to eat a few more, just to calm himself down enough to be able to continue talking and feeding. It was times like that where he'd been grateful for the fact that he'd learnt to tuck well; although he wasn't sexually interested in other men, there was still something strangely erotic about hand-feeding another person like that, and he was concerned that it would go down south if he hadn't put measures in place to be able to control his body's reactions to things like that.

Thankfully, the conversation between them was sobering too. Jeonghan had the chance to complain about the amount of work he still had to complete for university, and Seungcheol had a little whine about the number of meetings he'd been signed up for over the past few days. Some weren't even that important, he said. Announcing a team building excursion, for example, could be done via email. It would be more visually appealing and more people would remember it that way. Discussing new recipes wasn't something that he really needed to do, since he was part of the sales team before the creative teams. He just needed to know what the final outcome was, and he would readily accept any evidence his colleagues had to back up their claims.

It was nice. Jeonghan didn't feel like a whiny child when they were together. In fact, he didn't feel anything negative towards himself at all. From what he'd heard, a lot of sugar daddies were into policing their babies' bodies, eating habits, friends, conversation topics, and the sorts. But that was very much absent when it came to Seungcheol. When they were around three-quarters of the way back, he asked Jeonghan if he wanted to get some fast food to take home, and then they even stopped at a supermarket to get some snacks for the movie that they were watching together. They were going to have fun without Jeonghan worrying about how many calories he was consuming and even if he ate all of it himself, Seungcheol wouldn't dare to comment on it. It was all just a part of respect, and that honestly made Jeonghan wonder whether he _was_ going to follow his girlfriend's advice to keep things relatively platonic, now that he thought about it.

But he'd already made up his mind. He couldn't take it back now - not after he'd spent over an hour trying to convince himself that it was for the best that they didn't take things any further. He had been preparing himself to tell Seungcheol since before he sent the message to say that he wanted to meet, so there was no backing out of it now. Jeonghan kept it in the front of his mind as they made their way back to the house and straight inside, and he clung to it desperately as Seungcheol took him up to his bedroom so that he could pick something more comfortable to wear whilst they watched the movie. 

That sort of thing really tested his dedication to what he said he would do, to be honest. It was one of those things that made Jeonghan feel comfortable, and there was absolutely no expectation of him. If he wanted to keep wearing that tight shirt and short skirt, he was welcome to do that. But if he wanted to wear some of Seungcheol's pyjamas, even though they were way too big for him, he was welcome to do that too. If he wanted to just wear the shirt and have his legs out, he was welcome to do that. If he wanted to lounge around in just the trousers and no shirt, he could do that too. Seungcheol had even told him that he was welcome to take his bra off so that it wasn't digging into his skin, since he knew that it wasn't comfortable to wear it when relaxing, and so Jeonghan did that too. Just an oversized pyjama shirt and panties. No socks, no bra, and his hair down. Perfect.

The only comment that Seungcheol made was that he looked very cute when he was dressed comfortably. It was something that he liked to see, and it meant that they matched when he just wore the trousers to the shirt that Jeonghan was wearing. And it meant that Jeonghan didn't feel too awkward when Seungcheol picked him up and carried him downstairs with his arms around his back and thighs, since they were both comfortable and partially naked, and there was simply mutual respect for each other and the way that they held themselves.

And so they put the movie on and began to watch it as the small talk started. That was the time for Jeonghan to say what was on his mind, as much as he really didn't want to do that. Seungcheol was laid across the sofa and Jeonghan was on top of him, with his legs tangled with Seungcheol's and his hand on the sugar daddy's bare chest. "Can I tell you what was on my mind earlier?" he asked softly, and Seungcheol immediately moved to stroke his hair as he gave an encouraging hum. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship just yet," Jeonghan said, making sure that his voice was even quieter. "You see, I'm due to be taking my exams in a few months, and I'm worried that I'll be emotionally distant and you won't like that. And there are a thousand other things going on in life right now, too. You're very busy at work and I don't want to disturb you constantly because I want your time and affection. I'm worried that your other babies won't be too happy if you just drop them very suddenly - after all, they're probably relying on you to live, to a degree - and I'm worried that you'll think that I'm not mature enough to be your girlfriend after just a few weeks of us being together. That and the fact that we still haven't... you know, known each other _intimately_ yet."

It came out in a blur, to be honest. Jeonghan would have been more surprised if Seungcheol had actually understood everything that he was saying. It probably seemed like excuses as well, which he figured only made things worse. But Seungcheol was giving him a fond smile, rather than getting distant or upset by it, and so Jeonghan was instantly left in a position where he didn't really know what to do with himself. Was he supposed to see himself out immediately? Was he supposed to ask what Seungcheol thought about it? Was he supposed to wait in silence for a response?

In the end, he simply waited for the response. It seemed like the best option when he was feeling pretty awkward about things and didn't know what to do. And thankfully, Seungcheol piped up soon enough, so it wasn't as if he'd made things awkward. "Hey," he cooed softly as he ran his hand through Jeonghan's hair again and finally rested his hand on his cheek. The gesture was sweet and comforting, and it made Jeonghan feel as if his decision was perfectly reasonable, all of a sudden. "There's a lot of things going on and that's okay. I can wait for you. I'm forty-two years old; I've had the marriage and children thing already, so I'm in no rush to start something formal with you if you want to wait longer. My babies can find other people too, okay? We have a working relationship; I don't love them as I love you, and they don't love me like that either. And I'm sure that they'll be happy if I'm happy, which is the most important thing. And about your maturity? I think you're a very conscientious and lovely young lady. I doubt it'll be a problem."

It was as if a weight had been lifted from Jeonghan's chest right away. Their relationship hadn't been ruined by the suggestion to take things even slower, and he wasn't left having to go home right away. Seungcheol was an adult man, not some sort of child who got upset by a potential love interest's feelings towards the speed at which they took things.

It led to a discussion about where things would lead in the future, too, which made Jeonghan feel that little bit more comfortable. It was clear that Seungcheol wasn't expecting anything from him, but he did have a few ideas of where they could take things if they were comfortable doing so. He didn't know whether he wanted more children at his age, which suited Jeonghan just fine, but he liked the thought of remarrying after a few years. He wasn't that bothered about the traditional steps in relationships with meeting parents but was happy to do that if Jeonghan wanted it. The only thing that was really necessary for him was eventual cohabiting, since he wanted to have a consistent dynamic in their relationship without making it feel as if they were a world apart. And Jeonghan had to admit, it sounded comfortable.

And then Seungcheol paused the movie and sat up, pulling Jeonghan onto his lap briefly. "Am I okay to get some coffee before we continue watching this? I think I might fall asleep otherwise - you're so cuddly and comfortable that it's hard not to nap with you." Of course, Jeonghan told him that it was absolutely fine. "Would you like coffee too, Jeongha?" He nodded in response. 

"Okay, milk or cream?"


	3. Chapter 3

Crackers and cheese.

Strangely, it described their experiences perfectly, especially when it came to this fairytale romance that they were starting to develop. A weird sort of description, but one that Jeonghan admitted was accurate.

For Jeonghan, the relationship was still very much business based, even several months into what they had. By that point, he did want to take things further, but there was only so much that he could really do when his girlfriend was absolutely insistent that she didn't want him taking anything further with Seungcheol. She was the boss, so she was calling the shots. He couldn't say anything to sway her on that. So he distanced himself from those thoughts of taking things further and became quite firm in his beliefs - whether they were manipulated beliefs or genuine ones - about how far their relationship would go. He was the cracker of their relationship. And sure, it wasn't ideal, but it was something that he had already put in place and he knew that it had to stay like that, at least for now. He didn't want to date Seungcheol because he loved him anyway. He wanted to date him so that he had some form of security in the fact that Seungcheol wanted him and that wasn't going to end any time soon.

He didn't like to be described as such, though - as the cracker of their relationship. Sure, it was a good thing that he could be salty or sweet, but the truth of the matter was that he had an underlying firmness and it wasn't necessarily based on what he wanted. If it was, he would have no issue with it. But _as it was,_ he wanted to accept Seungcheol's warmth as much as possible. He wanted to be able to kiss him back without feeling guilty and to be able to sleep with him because that was what he wanted to do. He had his ways of making sure that Seungcheol never found out about his true identity, which he had learnt from a number of different websites, and that was where he wanted to take things. Of course, his feelings were primarily 'fondness', whilst Seungcheol had very different views on what their relationship to each other was, but Jeonghan hoped that that wouldn't sway him all that much. After all, he was certain that there was no way to condition himself to fall in love with another person, especially not a client.

Naturally, though, his girlfriend didn't agree with that. She very much believed that Jeonghan was falling in love with the older man, and no attempts to convince her otherwise did the trick. She was absolutely certain that he was going to end up all over Seungcheol at some point: that the cracker would snap and crumble and become a soft-baked biscuit or something. As if that was how these things worked. So she went out of her way to make sure that it didn't happen. She got him to check in before and after he went to Seungcheol's house, and she always asked him what they did together. If there were any inconsistencies or the timing didn't quite add up, she would have something to say about it.

And sure, he didn't like being treated as if he was a cheat, but he figured that it was only normal for her to get jealous over it. She knew how these relationships worked. Some of her friends had this job too, and they sometimes came home with lovebites and a wad of cash. Sometimes they came home, lovestruck, with stories of how their sugar daddy wanted them to drop out of university and elope halfway across the world. It was to be expected that she would assume the same from Jeonghan, even though she knew that he wasn't like that. In this case, kissing and fondling wasn't cheating because it wasn't an emotional affair. Sexuality didn't make a difference when it came to working, and it was only truly cheating if Jeonghan somehow managed to develop romantic feelings for his sugar daddy.

In this analogy, Seungcheol the cheese. Jeonghan would describe him as so: he could be hard, soft, sweet. He could be very much to one person's taste but not to others' tastes. He could have a sharp edge, should he wish to have one. Lots of people liked him, but a lot of people wouldn't eat him. There were a lot of things he went well with, and just as many things he didn't go well with. But the two of them _always_ went together perfectly. Crackers and cheese. A sweet cracker with a slightly salty kick from the cheese worked well. A salty cracker with a slightly sweeter cheese still worked pretty well. Their dynamic wasn't always perfect, but they often complimented each other well. That was how things were between them.

Especially when it came to Seungcheol's softness around Jeonghan. That was something that was growing with every day. Every time they were together, he would turn to cream cheese right away. Very soft and gentle, and that would radiate between them. Jeonghan could do so little as make an off-hand comment about something that irked him and Seungcheol would immediately be there to help him with some solutions. He could tell Seungcheol that he wasn't feeling like going to a fancy restaurant and Seungcehol would arrange it so that they would be able to go home and get something greasy instead. If Jeonghan mentioned that his girlfriend - "my friend from university who I always tell you about" - was irritating him by being very much against their relationship, Seungcheol would always point out that they didn't have to see each other, since the friendship was the most important thing. That hurt a bit, frankly, but Jeonghan appreciated it nonetheless. He could tell from the way that the older man said it that he didn't want to end what they had. He wanted to give options and avoid limiting Jeonghan's social encounters.

It was tough, though, because Jeonghan would always have to remind himself that there wasn't really anything there between them at all. As much as they could talk about the relationship they had, it wasn't really official and it wasn't _going_ to be official. At least, not until Jeonghan finally caved, right after that six months mark.

"You know," he said softly whilst they were walking through a park together one afternoon. "I find it really weird that we've been together for six months now but we haven't been anywhere nice together. We've gone to social events and to your house and all, but it's not the same as actually going somewhere _nice,_ is it?" Seungcheol hummed about it for a little while. His eyes stayed down on the path in front of them, and then he eventually squeezed Jeonghan's hand after he'd considered it properly.  
"I'm a bit concerned about taking you too far when you have your studies to focus on, and besides, it's not seen as right for us to stay in a hotel together when we're unmarried. Men and women aren't supposed to share hotel rooms until that point."

Jeonghan didn't really like that. It sounded way too old-fashioned, considering that he'd been to hotels with his girlfriend before. And that wasn't the only case that he'd heard of where people were doing that sort of thing. There were films and dramas where young couples went to retreats and stayed in the same hotel room. There were a number of people at his university who had stayed at a hotel together. It was something that happened a lot. It simply seemed pointless to stress about it when it didn't bother many people anymore.

But then again, perhaps it was partially because of the fact that it was something that was common in Seungcheol's generation. He _was_ a bit older, so it would make sense if the views towards that sort of thing changed dramatically as time passed. It felt odd to think that they had some big generational differences like that, but there was nothing he could really do about that. After all, it was one of the issues that inherently came hand-in-hand with dating an older man. So Jeonghan chose not to argue with it. He figured that it would only cause tension between them and not even the good sort of tension. "Would the opinion on going out together change if I _was_ your girlfriend?" he asked softly instead. Seungcheol's eyebrow raised slightly.  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"Well, would you be more willing to go away with me if we made things official? As a sort of 'it's great that we're finally dating each other' thing?"

It just slipped out and he didn't know how he could possibly sort it out without sounding as if he'd thrown himself into a hole and was digging deeper in an attempt to get out of it. But Seungcheol seemed surprised by the suggestion, in a way that was almost entirely unreadable. He stopped walking for a little while and then stared into Jeonghan's eyes, his mouth forming a thin line as he pursed his lips together. "I thought you said that you didn't want to take things that far this quickly? I don't want you to think that you have to start dating me so that we can share a hotel room together. I was actually thinking that our alternative would be going to my holiday home in Ulsan for a few days, since it's by the beach and we get to have that rustic cabin experience that you said that boy from your course keeps talking about having in the States. Does it sound good?"

Jeonghan nodded, but then it seemed awkward to completely dismiss the suddenly-blurted suggestion that they should start dating. It was as if Seungcheol thought it was a neurotic outburst and he didn't really mean that he wanted to give it a shit. In reality, he felt quite the opposite of the situation. Sure, his girlfriend absolutely hated the idea that he wanted to make things official with Seungcheol. Sure, he was like a cracker and he was firm in his decisions and boundaries. But this was something that he felt he had to do at that point in time. He firmly believed _that_ too.

For now, it was going to be dropped, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to do it later that day. It was something that would be on his mind for the rest of the day otherwise. It was something that would inevitably be on Seungcheol's mind too, and the thought of making him suffer from those thoughts until they eventually talked about it - something that Seungcheol never initiated either - meant that Jeonghan couldn't simply leave it alone for good. It was something that they would both try to hide but the words would linger in the air between them. They would turn into whispy ghosts that floated between them and dipped into their heads and followed them to their destination if it remained completely unaddressed.

His girlfriend might not have liked the thought of them "officially" dating, but it was something that was inevitably on his mind by the time he and Seungcheol had been seeing each other for six months. It was for the sake of that security that he'd been considering; for the sake of pleasing Seungcheol and making sure that he felt loved and appreciated, even if they didn't truly have the romantic element in their relationship. Well, sort of. By the looks of it, Seungcheol was genuinely in love with Jeonghan, but Jeonghan couldn't really say the same back. Fondness wasn't love. It was being able to be around someone and appreciate their presence, their hard work, their passion. He wasn't going to marry for fondness, at the end of the day, so this relationship was something that he was simply going to use to make sure that Seungcheol was as happy as possible. They weren't going to marry in a few years, as he'd said he wanted, but they might have been able to make something amazing out of it to ensure that they parted ways feeling happy with the time that they'd shared together.

Thankfully, on that particular day, they were on their way to have a picnic in the park. It was a warm day and they had picked a particularly nice spot underneath the iconic tri-bowl to sit. There were other couples around, along with some families and groups of friends, and they were all enjoying the shade that the bowls were casting over the top of them. The water features that surrounding them broke up the humidity of the summer quite well, and the way that they were sitting was particularly sweet. There wasn't much distance between them and their shoes were off, meaning that they were as comfortable as they could be when they were sitting on the pavement. And right away, Seungcheol was able to unwrap a Binch cookie and gently guide it towards Jeonghan's mouth, encouraging him to eat it. That alone was a sweet gesture and Jeonghan enjoyed it a lot, and it ultimately led to them feeding each other in a way that made other young couples cringe and elderly women smile.

Those other people couldn't tell that he was a guy either, Jeonghan noted. They saw the way that they were together and the way that they interacted, and there was little judgement. That judgement would have certainly been there if they were seen as two men, especially considering their age gap, but they seemed quite fine with the idea that Jeonghan was a young girl and Seungcheol was a slightly older man. It was surprising, Jeonghan noted. Frankly, that sort of age gap wasn't really that favourable, since Seungcheol was very clearly at the sort of age where he was expected to be married, but it was still a lot better than being gay as far as most people were concerned.

Jeonghan figured that it was best to keep his eyes inside their bubble, though. If he kept his focus on Seungcheol the whole time, he couldn't get distracted by thinking of the different things that other people were thinking about them. Whether those things were good or bad. And so their date continued with conversations about things that were coming up in their lives and what things they were planning on doing during the week, and what they were hoping to do together when they next met. Seungcheol thought that an evening of doing something that was a little bit less romantic, such as bowling or laser tag, would be interesting for them. It was something that would encourage them to bond, but without all of the mushy cutesy things that they often ended up resorting to doing. It would also allow them to share some hobbies, interests and general fun as they brought out the competitive side to their relationship.

And admittedly, it sounded really nice. Jeonghan had a sense that by doing these sorts of things, they would be able to stray away from the romance a little bit and in turn, he would genuinely be able to enjoy their time together without any guilt. It was something that he liked a lot. Guilt-free experiences. He could go back to his girlfriend with confidence and tell her that they spent the whole evening playing laser tag and drinking slushies, and she wouldn't be able to say anything to him about that. How could she argue with him over it? She knew that they could be there for several hours, and it would absolutely make sense if Jeonghan was to get back to the dorms with sweaty hair and a heaving chest.

So he agreed to it, and they ended up coming up with a few other ideas. Swimming was off the table right away - with Jeonghan making the excuse that he was scared of water and unwilling to try it in front of Seungcheol just yet - but couple massages were fine because Seungcheol wouldn't really see any more of his body than he'd already seen. They could also go to the gym together, go to an indoor rock climbing wall, try some orienteering around the city, go on a food hunt through the streets of Seoul, try making some kimbap together, or take a boat into the nearest body of water. There were so many different ideas by the end of their discussion, although there was one that Jeonghan was really stuck on, having decided that it would be a particularly nice chance for them to have a weekend alone and really get to know each other outside of that semi-formal relationship that they had built so far.

"How about camping?" he asked. Seungcheol's eyebrows raised slightly.  
"As in, going into the middle of a forest or field, setting up a tent, and spending the night cooking our food, telling stories and watching the stars?" Jeonghan nodded slowly. Seungcheol's face suddenly erupted into a smile as he gave a quick nod. "I think we can arrange that."  
"How about we do it in a month? You can give some notice to your workplace and I'll try to convince my friend that it's not something for her to worry about if I'm away for the weekend. Either that, or I'll tell her I'm going to see my parents and then I'll get my sister to cover for me and say that we watched movies all weekend or something."

When he said it out loud, it sounded rather suspicious that he had to lie to one of his friends about his whereabouts, but Seungcheol didn't seem to clock it at all. Instead, he agreed right away and told Jeonghan that he would see what he could do to get the necessary equipment. If there was anything that he thought they should take, all he needed to do was mention it and Seungcheol would have it all sorted. It would be a little bit odd, since it would be their first experience of sleeping together like that for not only a few days at a time but also for more than a quick nap. But it was welcome nonetheless and Seungcheol informed him that it was going to be a great experience for them to share with each other. They were going to be able to truly experience what it would feel like to cohabit without the pressure of it being in someone's house or the judgement that came alongside them sharing a hotel room, and that was going to be incredibly sweet.

Jeonghan had to admit it: he was actually a lot more excited than he was nervous. He wanted to be able to spend time with Seungcheol like that. He wanted to be able to set up the tent wherever they felt like doing it and having that extra bit of privacy away from the rest of the world. It would be a space where he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. He could just spend a weekend being Jeongha, where he didn't have to worry about the stress of the world around him.

But it begged more questions. Now that they'd discussed the idea of a romantic get-away, the thought of becoming a couple came back to mind. Jeonghan figured that it would make that experience a little bit more comfortable too, since Seungcheol wouldn't need to overthink the boundaries as much as he did whilst they were 'courting', in some sense of the word. Of course, he knew not to touch between Jeonghan's thighs, but he also tried to stay a respectful distance away from touching his waist, running a hand down his back, and other things that Seungcheol seemed more comfortable in doing with an actual girlfriend. It would ease Jeonghan into the idea of being affectionate with Seungcheol, and he guessed that it would help them to bond more securely as well. There was nothing quite like sleeping in a tent in the middle of a forest with someone as it was, but doing that with a girlfriend or boyfriend was different still.

So he went for it. "Cheol," he cooed softly as he took one of the wafers from the tin in front of them and toyed with it in his hand for a few seconds. It was an attempt to make it clear that he was nervous to ask the question, and he only continued when he was certain that Seungcheol was ready to give him his full attention. "How would you feel if I said I wanted you to be my boyfriend?"

The word went straight through Jeonghan's body, to the point where he couldn't bring himself to say the other things that he'd been planning on saying, like the fact that he'd thought about it a lot before making up his mind. _Boyfriend._ It just didn't sit right with him. It felt wrong to say it to someone else and he didn't really know why it was causing that much of an issue for him. But it did, and he had to try his hardest not to say or do anything to show off his discomfort with the phrase that he'd just said. And thankfully, Seungcheol didn't seem to notice any cringing, as he promptly jumped in with a question of his own. "Are you asking this because you genuinely want something like that between us, or are you asking because you feel like you have to ask me something like that?"

"It's because I've realised that I don't care what anyone says anymore," Jeonghan replied softly, making sure to take care of the fact that his voice was starting to quake slightly but lowering it. "I think it would be wrong to deny what we have after six months of seeing each other. We've done a lot of things together--" He paused for a moment to check that he hadn't said it loudly enough to earn a disapproving glance from one of the elderly ladies nearby, "-- And by this point, I suppose that it's only natural that we arrange something like that. Besides, your..." Seungcheol knew exactly what he was going to say without Jeonghan even needing to finish his sentence. It was that obvious from the way that he strayed off like that. Seungcheol's divorce had been finalised and he was officially single again, so there weren't any conflicts in that sense either. There was no chance that his ex-wife would be his anymore, and there was no chance of saving their marriage. That meant that Seungcheol was free to have another relationship whenever he was ready to have one.

"Are you absolutely sure that you want this?" he asked quietly, making sure to be clear about the fact that he was giving the option, rather than rejecting Jeonghan. And when he gave that nod to say that it _was_ an independent idea that hadn't been forced upon him, nor a spur-of-the-moment decision, Seungcheol gave a gentle hum and nod. "I think I'd like you to be my girlfriend, Jeongha. I'm sure that we can have a great life together."

They didn't kiss right there, since it was way too public for both of them. Instead, Jeonghan took a few of the squares of cheese from the tub, placed them on one of the crackers, and gently eased it into Seungcheol's mouth with a smile that showed him how happy he was with the decision.

It was the start of something new and fresh between them, and Jeonghan was genuinely relieved by the fact that they were going to have that security that he'd wanted for some time already. And whilst he was surely going to remain just fond of Seungcheol, it was a fondness that he was comfortable with.


	4. Chapter 4

Bacon and eggs.

The ultimate combination. The ultimate hangover cure.

Choi Seungcheol was a particularly well-travelled man, and so he had introduced the idea of bacon and eggs to Jeonghan one day. Perhaps it was his attempt at bragging about the fact that he'd been to so many exotic places in his life, but perhaps it was also a genuine attempt at introducing JEonghan to something new and exciting. He would never really know because he would never really ask.

It wasn't as if they got drunk together often, though. It was very occasional. Of course, that didn't mean that they didn't have _drinks_. It was very much the expectation of the CEO lifestyle when he was working internationally. Other businesspeople would expect Seungcheol to drink with them, and they would expect his date to do the same thing. Jeonghan would feel Seungcheol's hand wrapping around his waist, as respectfully as he could possibly do that, and then he would give a gentle squeeze as he asked what Jeonghan wanted to drink. And being the guy that he was, Jeonghan couldn't ever turn him down.

"What are you drinking?" he would ask gently, trying his hardest to make it clear that he was trying to be polite by asking. If they had the same drinks, it suggested that they were on the same page, so long as Seungcheol wasn't drinking something too heavy.  
"Soju," Seungcheol might reply, for example, and Jeonghan would have to consider that for a few minutes before giving a little nod to show that he'd made up his mind.  
"Maybe something lighter," Jeonghan would tell him in response to that, figuring that it wouldn't really fit his image of a classy girl, and so Seungcheol would offer him champagne or wine or something like that. Something that was typically seen as feminine.

But if he had something else - such as a shot of vodka with a mixer or cider - perhaps he would be a bit more comfortable with getting the same drink. After all, the other people there were not only judging the way that Seungcheol behaved and interacted with other people but also the way that Jeonghan did these things. If he was going off the walls or making a scene, it would destroy their reputations simultaneously. If he was too aggressive in his speech or was obviously disrespecting other people, that would end up on their heads for a long time. So it was safer just to tone it down and follow Seungcheol unless the men specifically requested that he go to mingle with the wives and girlfriends.

All in all, though, Seungcheol didn't demand that he acted lady-like when they left those sorts of social events. He was more than happy to pick up a few bottles of soju on the way home so that they would be able to down it all in his apartment and fall asleep on the sofa together. He was more than happy for the two of them to spend their off-days getting a little bit tipsy together and ending up getting that little bit too close for comfort. If Jeonghan ended up grinding against his lap or kissing between his thighs, he had no complaints. If Jeonghan gave him the chance to play with his chest or slip a hand up the back of his dress, he was equally as happy. It didn't go all that far whenever they'd been drinking, but it was always fun.

And then they would finish it off with the bacon and eggs in the morning. The perfect way to finish that sort of date.

Jeonghan's girlfriend wouldn't have appreciated that sort of thing, naturally, and so she was long-forgotten in those sorts of situations. In fact, Jeonghan made a special effort to push her to the back of his mind as soon as he came up with the idea to go out of their way to get drunk together during their planned weekend away together. The day of their camping trip was approaching quickly, and so he decided that it was best for them to be able to enjoy it properly whilst they were there. They were going to be in the middle of nowhere, after all, so there was absolutely no reason whatsoever why they couldn't loosen up for a few days. CEO Choi Seungcheol could just be Jeongha's boyfriend Seungcheol, and Jeongha could be the university student that she was supposed to be, and it would be the perfect opportunity to build Jeonghan's comfort with being touched by another man along the way.

Of course, they weren't going to go all the way that time either. That much was inevitable. Jeonghan wasn't really prepared to let Seungcheol learn so many things about his body at once, and he wasn't really happy with the thought that if something went wrong, he could possibly be stranded in the middle of nowhere on his own. No taxis would take him all the way back to Seoul from the southern half of the country, and he wasn't even sure that he would be able to hail a taxi where they were heading.

But that didn't mean that they wouldn't be cuddling and kissing an awful lot more than they had done before. Jeonghan had specifically requested it. He had informed Seungcheol that he wanted to be held and kissed and touched, and Seungcheol had agreed right away. And he wasn't really the sort of man who was going to back out of something like that after he'd said that he would do it. Especially when he had insisted on starting it before they'd even left Jeonghan's university campus.

Jeonghan had been greeted with a hard kiss on his mouth, and Seungcheol's eyes had immediately lit up with a mischievous glint as soon as they were apart again. "Are you excited?" he asked quietly, and Jeonghan gave a nod right away. "Good. Now, please can you drop the formality right away? This is a holiday for a boyfriend and girlfriend, not a sugar daddy and sugar baby."

Jeonghan was pretty surprised by how firm Seungcheol was with that suggestion, especially since he hadn't really addressed their relationship through the sugar bowl since they were in the early days of their exchange. He'd always referred to their relationship as something a lot closer; a lot more intimate. Not that this was much different, but it was just rather weird for Jeonghan to hear that sort of thing.

So he did as he was told. He pushed the chair back as far as he could manage, and then promptly kicked off his shoes as Seungcheol began driving. He turned the music over from a classical channel to one with upbeat pop songs and watched Seungcheol's expression as he did so. Seungcheol's lips twitched into a smile but he didn't even glance over. That suggested that Jeonghan had not only gotten away with it, but he was also encouraged to take it that little bit further. So naturally, he did. He tucked his legs underneath his body - which he usually wouldn't dare to do in Seungcheol's car - and then opened the window to feel the breeze running through his hair.

Seungcheol didn't complain once. If anything, he seemed to be happy with how casual they were with each other. The formal behaviour had been dropped completely and now it was genuinely as if they were in a relationship. There was suddenly a very gentle, warm intimacy between them, which was probably something that Seungcheol hadn't experienced since he and his ex-wife were together. This wasn't the sort of thing that someone experienced with everyone, and it didn't seem like anything any of Seungcheol's other sugar babies would have done with him. Which reminded Jeonghan...

"Hey, Cheol," he called out as he turned the music down a few notches. "Am I the only lady in your life now?" Seungcheol flashed a glance towards him for just a second.  
"There's my daughter too, but you're the only lady in my _love_ life."  
"No more sugar babies?"  
"No more sugar babies."  
"Can I check?"

Seungcheol seemed surprised by the request. It wasn't quite a direct request to look through his phone but rather, an almost playful suggestion that Jeongha was jealous of other girls. But then, of course, the silence between them led Jeonghan to realise that perhaps he'd pushed it too far, and he immediately dropped his head in apology. "I don't mean that I don't trust you or anything, but I want everyone to know that we're together. I don't think you'd be dating more than one person at a time," he pointed out right away, a slight blush starting to tickle his cheeks from embarrassment. Seungcheol simply reached into his pocket and took out his phone, passing it over.  
"I only ask that you don't look through any conversations with the stars next to the names. It means that it's confidential information and I don't want you to end up seeing something like that. For some, it's business confidential. For a few, it's family confidential, such as grievances.

Of course, Jeonghan was going to respect that as much as possible. He wasn't going to intentionally click on those sorts of messages when Seungcheol had specifically asked him not to look at that. So instead, he went on the hunt for things that would tell him more about Seungcheol's hobbies and interests, thoughts and feelings, and his general way of being. Jeonghan wasn't going to take it as a jealousy-fuelled witch hunt.

The first thing he noticed was that the conversations with the other sugar babies were still there on his phone, although Seungcheol had specifically told them that he wasn't going to continue everything that they'd started together. He wasn't really planning on continuing to look through those conversations, but then something caught his eye when he'd opened one of the messages, and he couldn't help but scroll up further.

That particular sugar baby had found out that Seungcheol got incredibly aroused from having his ears kissed, apparently, and so they had ended up discussing it. Unfortunately, the other babies didn't give him other interesting information like that, but that was enough for the moment. It was definitely something that Seungcheol was going to experience when they were alone together.

Next, he saw a few messages from Seungcheol's kids, although he didn't really want to read too much of that since he knew that it would probably touch on some uncomfortable topics. For those, he just looked at the messages from when Seungcheol told them that he had a new girlfriend and wanted them to meet Jeongha at some point. "I'm sorry to tell you that she's young and I'm afraid that you won't like that, but she's a very genuine girl and I'm in love with her. I hope you'll understand that this is not something very sudden, but it also wasn't something that was going on behind your mother's back. Jeongha isn't the cause of our divorce: she made me feel happy again when I was crushed about having to move out and leave you and your brother behind, and I'm eternally grateful for that. I don't expect you to treat her like your new mother, but I'd like it if you could respect her."

Jeonghan's throat felt dry as he read that message and the response from Seungcheol's daughter - "I'll try really hard for your sake." It didn't seem as if she was that happy with the relationship that they had, based on what he could see, and that meant that he was going to eventually have to win Seungcheol's daughter over too. It wasn't something that was going to be easy, especially since there was only a small age gap between them, but it was something that hopefully meant he would be able to relate to her easier.

That was all he was going to read. He wanted to read more in order to get a better sense of how Seungcheol's social relationships were, but it didn't feel right after he'd seen the messages with his daughter. It was supposed to be something that was light-hearted and fun, where he would be able to tease Seungcheol a little bit about the relationships he had with other people, but five message chains had been enough and he hadn't really found anything funny or cute. So he locked the phone again and simply sat in silence for a little while.

"What did you read?" Seungcheol asked quietly after a few minutes. "You don't seem happy at all, and I don't really like that."  
"I'm just nervous about the thought of meeting your kids. I just wanted to see what they thought of us because I wanted to be prepared for that, but I don't think it's going to be easy. Your daughter is almost my age and your son isn't too much further behind us and I think it's going to be tough for them to accept that we're together because of that." Seungcheol immediately gave a pitiful little tut before moving a hand to stroke Jeonghan's knee.  
"They'll be fine. No kids like step-parents. My children hate their mother's new boyfriend because he's dating their mother. I doubt they'll hate him when they get to know him and I doubt they'll hate you when they get to know you."

It seemed well and good him saying that, but Jeonghan wasn't so sure still. And he wasn't even sure why it bothered him that much. After all, he wasn't _seriously_ dating Seungcheol. He was doing it to provide the stability of a relationship so that he wouldn't end up losing out on his wage all of a sudden when Seungcheol committed to someone else. So what was the big deal? Was it like when he went to business events with Seungcheol and got nervous about embarrassing him in front of other professionals? He didn't really know, but it was something that was going to bother him for a while, and he already knew that for a fact.

He was broken away from his thoughts pretty quickly, though, when Seungcheol gave his thigh a squeeze. "Hey, we're going to have a good trip. I'm sorry that you didn't find anything fun from my phone, but I'm a boring old man so I'm not sure what you expected. Look in the glove box for a cheesy pop CD and we'll make the rest of this journey fun." Jeonghan wasn't really in the mood to sing, but he guessed that he had to do it because it was the only thing that was going to help to relieve the tension that little bit. So he searched through the compartment for a CD that he recognised before eventually settling on a Big Bang album. It had Seungcheol's daughter's name scrawled across the front in marker pen - or so, Jeonghan thought that was what the name was - and Seungcheol's face immediately lit up as soon as he saw it.

"She made me take her to one of the concerts, you know," he admitted with a smile. "I hated their music to start with, but then I ended up warming up to it. It's a good memory, so don't expect me to hold back."

And he didn't. It was the first time that Jeonghan had heard Seungcheol singing and he had to admit, it made his heart feel soft. Seungcheol seemed to be really enjoying himself as he sang along with the music, and Jeonghan couldn't help but loosen up and join in once he saw how little Seungcheol cared about seeming weird. It was a genuine, warm moment between them and it really helped to take the issue of impressing Seungcheol's children off his mind.

It also helped to make the journey feel that little bit shorter. They were travelling across the country, but it didn't feel like it was that much further than if they were travelling from the centre of Seoul to Seungcheol's house. And when they finally arrived, Jeonghan felt a wave of confusion hit him as he tried to figure out if they were already there or if they were simply taking a break for some reason. "It's around a ten-minute walk from here," Seungcheol confirmed as he got out of the car and emptied the camping equipment out of the boot. Jeonghan followed him shortly after, and then picked up a few of the lighter items. After all, he didn't really want Seungcheol to think that he was too strong in case it brought up a discussion as to how he managed to be able to pick up that much stuff without any issue.

They walked together for a few minutes before Seungcheol finally dumped everything from his hands onto the ground. A particularly secluded area in the middle of a forest, where they would have complete privacy for the weekend. He gave a satisfied smile before nodding and telling Jeonghan that he could put everything down, and so he did exactly as he was told. "So, I can set up the tent if you want to just wait to the side for a bit," he said. Jeonghan snorted.  
"Do you not think I'll help? It was my suggestion that we come out here, so I'm not going to sit here and make you set up the tent on your own. Besides, aren't we a normal couple today? No more formalities?"

Seungcheol hesitated for a moment, but then eventually figured that Jeonghan was right. One quick nod was enough, and then he allowed Jeonghan to help him to unpack the shell of the tent. Poles were slipped into the trains, and then they made sure to secure it into the ground as best as they could. Seungcheol had specifically picked an area where the ground was neither too hard nor soft, which meant that it was easy enough to anchor the tent, and so they were in it within the hour.

It was a tight squeeze, but the drinks that they'd taken with them had helped to make it feel a lot more snug in a short amount of time. Usually, Jeonghan wouldn't have said that drinks made for a good time, but it was certainly the case at that time. They had ended up downing three bottles of soju each in the first two hours inside the tent, and then it had very quickly led to touching each other in ways that they probably wouldn't have done otherwise. Jeonghan had sucked Seungcheol's fingers before guiding them up the back of his dress, and then Seungcheol had ended up pushing one inside of him as Jeonghan's lips found the back of his ear.

For once, Jeonghan was relieved that he had decided not to tuck because although he was getting pretty aroused from the fact that they were getting close and personal with their touches, he knew that it wouldn't have been anywhere near as simple for Seungcheol to touch him if he _had_ tucked. And now he was able to go that little bit further. Kissing places that he knew aroused Seungcheol massively. Gently licking and sucking the delicate skin behind his ear. Biting his neck. Sucking the fingers of his spare hand too. Pulling the front of his dress down so that his sugar daddy would be able to play with his chest and wouldn't realise that he was getting this intimate with another man.

It finished pretty quickly, though. Jeonghan had eventually figured that their next step was to go ahead and mix bodies, but it wasn't necessarily a great idea when he still hadn't prepared Seungcheol for the way that his body was. For a moment, he almost didn't care, but then he figured that Seungcheol certainly _would_ care. Besides, they were both straight and having sex just because they were both aroused would have caused a few problems later on down the line. Namely that either Seungcheol would be too drunk to realise and would try to do it again later, or he'd find out and that would leave them in an incredibly awkward position as everything that they'd done together would end up coming to the surface.

So, despite the fact that Seungcheol desperately wanted to be closer, Jeonghan insisted that they should finish manually this time. "Perhaps soon," he said, trying his hardest not to show off just how much he actually wanted to take it that bit further. But Seungcheol obviously caught onto that fact pretty quickly and hesitated before giving his nod.  
"Just tell me whenever you want it. I can wait, but I'm certainly not against it." His polite way of telling Jeonghan that he really wanted nothing more than to take him right there and then. Jeonghan swallowed thickly as he started to help Seungcheol to get closer to the edge.

It was weird and it put Jeonghan in a difficult position. On one hand, he really wanted it. He wanted to be held and touched by someone, but his morals were telling him that it was wrong. Experimenting with sexuality was a difficult game as it was, without also having to worry about the fact that Seungcheol wouldn't necessarily be into it if they did it. But then again, Jeonghan _shouldn't_ be into it if they were to do it. He could only really assume that he was just really aroused since he hadn't touched his girlfriend in weeks.

But he brushed it to one side and they spent the rest of the evening playing board games and being too loud and kissing each other way too much, and cooking greasy food on the little fire that Seungcheol had made a few feet away from their tent. And then they went to sleep together with their limbs wrapped around each other's bodies and their chests pressed together, and Jeonghan's leg wrapped around one of Seungcheol's legs. 

The morning was just how they expected, though.

Jeonghan woke up at around seven o'clock in the morning to the feeling that his kidneys were going to explode from the amount of alcohol that he'd consumed, and he ended up having to wriggle away from Seungcheol without getting an accidental jab to the bladder. Of course, though, Seungcheol woke up whilst he was moving, and his eyes looked heavy as he peeled them open. "Mmm?"  
"Excuse me for two minutes." Seungcheol raised an eyebrow in confusion as they made eye contact, but Jeonghan wasn't prepared to explain himself. With that, he got up from the ground and made his way outside, making sure that he was as far away from Seungcheol as possible so that he didn't have to worry about being caught.

It struck him as he looked down at himself, though, that he was completely stiff from whatever dream he'd happened to have, and it meant that he was poking through his dress quite dramatically. Which, in itself, would be little more than a minor inconvenience that he could sort on the spot, if it wasn't for the fact that Seungcheol had probably noticed that and was now in the tent, trying his hardest to figure out what to make of it.

Jeonghan's stomach flipped. That was the last conversation that he really needed to have on that particular day, especially since they were in the middle of nowhere together and that meant that if Seungcheol packed up and left him, he would have to hope that someone would be kind enough to come and fetch him. And it would make for a pretty humiliating story to tell his girlfriend too.

He spent longer than necessary out there, making sure to do what he could to hide it. But there wasn't much he could really do. Sure, he could touch himself then tuck it, but that didn't stop the other signs that would start to become obvious if Seungcheol had noticed it in the first place. The hints of his beard growing back. The way that his voice was hoarse and masculine in the mornings. The way that his small chest and slight Adam's apple started to make sense.

But when he went back to the tent, Seungcheol's eyes were filled with adoration. "Did you feel sick or something? I made you some bacon and eggs, but it's okay if you don't feel like eating them." He passed the plate over and then sat there in silence for a moment as Jeonghan took a seat next to him. For a few minutes, they just ate, but then as soon as they were done, Seungcheol took in a long breath before running a hand through his hair. "There's something I need to talk to you about, Jeongha. And I don't want you to take it the wrong way and get angry with me." Pause. "I noticed something about you just now, and I wanted to ask if you'd be completely honest with me about it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a lot with this chapter, not only because I'm really busy, but also because I didn't know how to word things :)))))) Hopefully the next chapter will be an improvement


	5. Chapter 5

Lemon and sugar.

Iconic, but better in the mind than on the tongue.

In theory, it was a great idea. Put something sour in with something sweet to create harmony. It worked with other combination, like sweet and sour pork. Surely it would work just as well with lemons and sugar, especially since it was a simple two- to three-ingredient mix. But the plan to make fresh lemonade rarely ever went as planned. Everyone's tastes were so different that it grew to be incredibly difficult to find the perfect balance, and it was never really as nice as it should have been. It was too easy to add too much sugar, and it was hard to make that balance right.

Even recipe books didn't know how to do it that well. Their suggestions were for the editor's taste, and not the reader's taste. "We've tested this on all of our family and friends and they all love it!" Bullshit. The fact of the matter was that it was unlikely to match well and then the reader would be left feeling as if they had wasted their time, effort and money since their lemonade still wouldn't be that great. And even worse was when someone tried to fix those mistakes by putting the jug into the fridge, in hopes that it would enhance the taste - just as those recipe books recommended - because then the person would be left with lemonade that was too sweet or sour _and_ gave them brain freeze at the same time. Which was even less ideal.

Likewise, Jeonghan's ideas of how to move forward with his relationship with Seungcheol followed suit pretty closely. There was either too much sugar or too much lemon, and it made it hard for him to come to an agreement with himself about what was appropriate and what wasn't appropriate. And trust him, he had thought it over at least a dozen times a day. How far he should take it. What his feelings were about the topic. Whether he still thought it was a great idea. Especially since his own feelings were quickly becoming blurry and disorientated, and they left him with a splitting headache that made him want to avoid the topic of their relationship altogether. It left him with a sense that he was powerless, and that was something that Yoon Jeonghan hated to feel.

After all, it was hard to be that close to someone and not develop a tiny little soft spot for them. It was hard to kiss someone over and over and not feel that there was at least a tiny little connection with them. It was near impossible to roll around in bed with someone for several months, all whilst letting them see both your physical and mental vulnerabilities, and not feel that little tickle of jealousy when they mentioned seeking emotional support from another person. And there was absolutely no way that Jeonghan could deny that there was something there after the events of that camping trip.

He wanted to deny it more than he could possibly describe. He wanted to pretend that he was still completely straight with no feelings for Seungcheol at all. He wanted to pretend that it was simply the lack of emotional connection from his girlfriend that was making him feel that way, or that it was the monetary incentive that made him want to stay close to Seungcheol, or that it was just because he was bored. But the fact of the matter was that it genuinely hurt him to see the messages from Seungcheol's daughter and he wanted nothing more than to make things right so that she understood exactly how he felt towards her father. He got aroused from being touched by the older man, and it wasn't simply because it was a bit of sexual stimulation from anyone. And he honestly felt a wave of both guilt and relief when Seungcheol called upon him to answer those questions that had been brewing in his mind as they were eating breakfast that morning.

"I'm not bothered, I'm just curious about it is all," Seungcheol insisted. Jeonghan knew that it couldn't be the case. Straight men weren't simply "curious" about the fact that their girlfriend had an erection when she woke up. Straight men didn't take that sort of information and make something good out of it. It was never going to be a good ending for them, and Jeonghan genuinely regretted everything that he'd done the previous night, from the amount of alcohol that he'd been drinking to the fact that he'd gotten a bit too physical to the fact that he'd cuddled up like that. There were a hundred things that he could have done better, but he hadn't done them at all and now he was in a position where he couldn't turn back time. There was no getting out of this one easily.

In the space of thirty seconds, though - the time it took for Seungcheol to announce that he'd noticed the anomaly and state that it made him feel intrigued - Jeonghan had realised that he had feelings for Seungcheol. It was poor timing on his part, but at least he knew it at that point. It wasn't going to have to be something that he denied for the rest of his life, even when Seungcheol kicked him to the curb. But it made it feel that little bit worse for him. He felt embarrassed and uncomfortable and it wasn't the sort of feeling that he wanted to experience again. He just wanted it to be over and done with. He wanted to close his eyes for a second so that Seungcheol had the chance to bail on him, and then he wanted to get on with life as if nothing had happened at all. As if they hadn't even met and he hadn't spent the past few months catfishing him.

But then the questions came and suddenly Jeonghan's body felt as if it had been kicked in a different sort of way. He's expected Seungcheol's questions to be bitter and harsh, but they were actually very far from it. _Very_ far from it.

"I suppose that this is one of the reasons why you didn't want to take our relationship further any quicker, isn't it? I can't really blame you, but I wish you'd told me earlier so that I could support you better. I could've researched this and done something to help you, especially when we're at corporate events. I know that they make you nervous as it is, but I guess that this is the cherry on top of the cake, hm?"  
"What?" Jeonghan's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Research _what_ exactly?"  
"Well, I... I don't know exactly," Seungcheol breathed, his voice showing off his nerves right away. "But there are a lot of reasons why a girl might have a penis. I know that much. It's something that I read in a journal one time and I think I remember there being a handful of different things that can cause that. You know, like if you're transgender or you absorbed your male twin in the womb or you have that thing where you have extra sex chromosomes or something. I'm quite interested in human biology, you know."

And suddenly Jeonghan didn't know what to do with himself anymore.

Instead of his - well, his _boyfriend_ \- thinking that he was a liar when he grew out his hair, threw on a dress and claimed to be a girl, he was still giving the benefit of the doubt. He was convinced that there was still a Jeongha, and she was simply the victim of poor genetic differences that snatched away what little self-confidence her shyness left her with to face the world. Seungcheol was sure that it was something he could deal with: something that didn't really matter because Jeongha was still a girl, regardless of what genitals she had. If she said that she was a girl, that was that and there would be no other argument. All she would have to deal with were the questions about how Seungcheol could support her.

A sense of guilt swamped Jeonghan's body as he faced more and more questions. Did he need someone to pay for laser hair removal so that he didn't have to worry about facial hair? Did he need help to pay for surgery to enhance his feminine features, or was he comfortable enough with his body to keep everything how it was? Did he need help with finding stylists who could help to make his bust look bigger and his waist look smaller? Seungcheol was very aware of the fact that many women strived for a slight hourglass shape, and so he was willing to find someone who could help his precious Jeongha to reach her body goals. Of course, he didn't care whether she was trim and hourglass-shaped or whether she was boxy and a bit masculine. He was in love with his girlfriend and simply wanted to do everything he could to make sure that she loved herself too.

So many people needed that sort of support, Jeonghan mused, but they didn't receive it from the people around them. And there he was: a fraud who was accepting that sort of help from a man who had a kind, beautiful heart and wanted him to feel confident in his body and mind and heart. He was acting as if he deserved that sort of help even though he knew that he didn't deserve a single bit of it.

The other side to the coin, though, was that he told Seungcheol on the spot that he wasn't a girl with a penis and he'd convinced himself that there was a reasonable explanation for it when there absolutely wasn't any reason why he should be offering his kindness. There were girls with masculine traits and features out there, but he wasn't one of those girls. He was a young man who had been trying to catfish another man, under the assumption that he would be able to maintain a professional relationship, and he'd failed his mission. He had been trying to scam a man out of his money so that he could live a cushy life as a university student and he could come out of it with no loans, and it had backfired completely. He had fallen hard and had been in denial for months, only for it to slam into his face like a brick as soon as he was backed into a corner.

Not only would that crush Jeonghan, as he would be forced to confess everything on the spot, but it would destroy Seungcheol too. It would make him feel as if everything was fake; as if all of the feelings that they'd shared had been a waste and a lie. But most of it had been true. Jeonghan had changed a few details here and there so that he could keep up his persona, but it had been as true as it could have been. It was easier to keep track of the truth that way.

Because of that, he chose to keep his mouth shut. He accepted it all and allowed Seungcheol to believe the lie that he was living, and he plummeted further down the rabbit hole. But he couldn't complain at all. He had the chance to avoid that situation, but he chose not to take that opportunity. He answered every question that Seungcheol threw at him, making sure to keep it as basic as possible so that Seungcheol didn't get attached to the details and start a pity party. And then, when his boyfriend asked him to do so, he undressed right there and allowed him to look over every single one of his features. The way that his hips curved outwards ever so slightly. The way that his ass looked a lot flatter when he was stood up. The way that his nipples were naturally puffy and much darker than his skin, but he had very little breast tissue underneath. The way that his shoulders were broader than one would expect for a girl and his arms were slightly too bulky and his penis was just _there,_ where Seungcheol once expected something very different.

And he began to cry.

Jeonghan was always an ugly crier, and this was the absolute worst time to show that off. His expression crumpled but the energy had been sucked out of his body as soon as he was naked, and so he just stood there with his arms by his sides and let it bubble over and erupt out of his chest.

Seungcheol was on his feet in an instant. He pulled Jeonghan into a tight hug and gently ran a hand down his back as he tried to comfort him. Whispered apologies filled Jeonghan's mind as Seungcheol tried to come up with a solution to the problem that he was sure he'd caused, still blissfully aware of the fact that Jeongha was slipping away with every passing second. She felt like a memory as Jeonghan stood there, and not the sort that he would think of fondly.

"Do you want to put your clothes back on now?" Seungcheol soon asked when the crying had stopped. It had only lasted for a minute or two and then the storm had calmed, much to Jeonghan's relief. But, in response to the question, he simply shook his head and let his eyes drop to the floor.  
"I want you to see all of me and take it in before you realise that this is not the future that you want." Silence. Jeonghan kept his eyes down for as long as he possibly could, and he succeeded until he noticed some movement out of the corner of his eye. And so he looked up to see Seungcheol taking off his clothes too, until they were both stood bare in front of each other.

"Then I want you to take all of me in, too. I have a dad's body. I have fat around my hips and I have a beer belly, and I have more body hair than I care to admit. My ass is bigger than my ex-wife's ass and I get weird patches of hair on my upper back, right next to my shoulder blades." Then he grew silent. Jeonghan knew that he wasn't the sort to put himself down, even when they were relating their experiences, but it was something that he still found impressive. It was a good attempt and it made him seem even more human, and Jeonghan couldn't help but move forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips as soon as Seungcheol had finished speaking.

For a moment, they just stayed close to each other. Close enough to feel each other's breath and feel their chests rising and falling in unison. Close enough to be able to touch their foreheads together for a brief moment as legs naturally bumped together with a shift of weight on Jeonghan's part. But then the invitation passed Seungcheol's lips - one for them to explore each other's bodies whilst still keeping the sex-free boundaries that they had maintained so far - and Jeonghan immediately made his way into the tent again, leaving his clothes on the ground outside.

In a matter of seconds, they were laid together on the ground. Skin touched skin; caressed it until both of them were engulfed by the warmth of the love that they shared. Seungcheol's hand ran down Jeonghan's back again and a shiver chased his fingers right to the base. He noticed, of course, and offered up a warm smile as he pressed a kiss to Jeonghan's forehead.

They stayed there for at least twenty minutes until Jeonghan was visibly a lot calmer, and then Seungcheol dared to try to move. Jeonghan wasn't ready for that, though, and so he was coaxed back down pretty quickly without any sort of explanation. Of course, though, he figured that it was best if he tried to come up with something himself so that he could make sense of it all. "I guess you want to cuddle some more, hm? That's okay." He offered up a little smile. Jeonghan felt his lower lip tremble slightly as they made eye contact, but his head shake was firm. "No?"  
"No. I want you."  
"You want..."  
"You, Cheol. I want you right now."

That had caught him by surprise. As much as he'd been suggesting that he wanted to take the next step at some point, he didn't seem to be all that ready as soon as that sort of thing was proposed. And so he laid there for a while, his eyes searching Jeonghan's face for more reasons why he had a sudden change of heart. As it was, there was nothing to offer. All Jeonghan knew was that he wanted to take the next step. He didn't know why exactly, especially since he had been so sure that he wasn't in love with Seungcheol up until that morning. And considering that, he knew that he should be absolutely terrified and not at all willing to take those next steps.

As it was, he wanted it more than he could possibly describe. He wanted nothing more than to let Seungcheol see him in his most vulnerable position. He wanted to feel the inherent closeness that came alongside that sort of act. He wanted nothing more than to be kissed in places that would make his body ache with desire, and he wanted Seungcheol to be the person to take him there. And so he took in a deep breath and explained what he wanted; how far he was willing to go and how he wanted it to make them both feel by the time they finished. He allowed Seungcheol to take the lead and make every inch of his body feel amazing. He arched up against every single kiss and readily anticipated every single thrust into his body until he was left trembling with a need for more. And Seungcheol obliged. Without any complaints, he did everything he could to make sure that they both hit their peak.

For the first time in a long time, things felt perfect. Jeonghan's entire _being_ felt as if it was perfect. When Seungcheol cuddled up against his back once they finished, they felt _real._ For the first time, Jeonghan really wanted to hear his own name passing Seungcheol's lips and he wanted to hear the older man say that he was his boyfriend. He wanted to hear it genuinely and sweetly as if the older man was a love-struck teenager who had snuck away with someone his parents didn't approve of in order to experience the intimacy that they had been longing for.

It was beautiful and so was the rest of their trip.

That sort of thing set the tone for their remaining time together. Romantic walks through the forest. Being playful and almost child-like together. Kissing and touching each other in ways that they hadn't done up until that day. Sitting in silence together so that they were able to take in the sights and sounds of everything around them. The lovey-dovey stories and snuggles and sharing food and resting heads on shoulders. It was everything that Jeonghan could have wanted and more, especially since he'd only just figured out his feelings. That sort of thing made those feelings feel welcome in his heart as if they deserved a place there.

Then it was over too soon. They hit the final day of their trip and reluctantly took the tent down before making their way back to the car. This time, though, Seungcheol had suggested spending more time kissing each other in the front seat before setting off - something that Jeonghan was happy to do but was rather confused by since he hadn't really expected to see Seungcheol getting to desperate for physical attention like that.

But then again, it was something that he sort of understood. Maybe it was down to the fact that he - Jeonghan - had suddenly grown to be more affectionate with the older man. Perhaps that sort of thing had sparked a sudden interest and now they were all over each other because they simply felt that sudden spark of electricity when they touched. For Seungcheol, there was probably an unusual but welcome feeling that little bit earlier, but it was very much still fresh and new for Jeonghan. It was as if his body and mind had been awakened to very intense, very new feelings of love. As if he'd never truly fallen for a person before in his life.

And perhaps he hadn't.

If he had, surely he wouldn't have spent the ride home thinking about how he was going to break up with his girlfriend. If he had, he would have been familiar with that sensation and wouldn't be so determined to feel it again and again. If he'd felt it before, it would be something less novel; less exciting. But here he was, with his heart aching as he watched his much-older boyfriend driving and occasionally glancing over at him, and smiling as if he was his entire world. It was something that he'd never experienced with a girl before, although he had no doubt that he was, in fact, bisexual and not a gay man who had been hiding behind a beard for his whole life.

After all, he did love his girlfriend. That much was true. And it was romantic love, not just the fondness that he'd sought to create with Seungcheol when they first met. But as it was, he'd received a better offer.

Actually, he didn't really like that phrase as much as he thought he would. They were people and not objects to be sold to him. But even so, the fact of the matter was that he had been growing distant from his girlfriend because she was constantly irritated with his life decisions, whereas Seungcheol was making him fall hard and fast. And surely, if he was truly in love with his girlfriend that much, Seungcheol wouldn't have been a threat to their relationship, but the fact that they had known each other intimately and were flirting on the way back home told Jeonghan that he absolutely _was_ a threat to their relationship all of a sudden.

It was nothing that he could help, and he certainly wasn't going to fight it when they were seemingly getting serious enough for Seungcheol's kids to be brought up in discussions. That was something that he wouldn't reach with someone of his age, at least not until they finished university and moved in together. Even then, there weren't really big steps like that with younger adults, other than getting married, and that was something that Jeonghan certainly wasn't ready to do with his girlfriend at any point over the next four or five years.

But he pushed it out of his mind for now. It wasn't the time to think about his girlfriend when he had Seungcheol sneaking him loved-up glances every few minutes and belting out the songs that made him happy.

"Hey, Jeongha," Seungcheol eventually called out, ensuring that he was absolutely dragged away from those sorts of thoughts even if his mind was still trying to linger in that area. "There's actually a shop nearby that sells a variety of different things from around the world. Their most popular imports are these bear paw ice creams from China and American-style iced lemonade. Would you like to make a quick stop to stretch your legs and get a treat?"

Jeonghan nodded and waited patiently for the stop to come up, and he couldn't help but smile as Seungcheol excitedly took him inside to see the goods that he'd described.


	6. Chapter 6

Chocolate and raspberry.

It went together perfectly; even more classic than any other combination that Jeonghan could think of when he was trying to come up with pairs of complimenting foods for date nights. There was nothing better. The bitterness of the chocolate satisfied those who didn't have a huge sweet tooth, and the tartness of the raspberry helped to give a sharp little kick to the dessert. It never failed to work well together, even if he _wasn't_ using dark chocolate. Raspberry and white chocolate was another classic pair, and he was warming up to the idea of milk chocolate and raspberry too. It was something he could come back to again and again, with the promise that it would meet his expectations every time.

That's what he thought about his relationship with his girlfriend at the start, too. He expected that their relationship was going to be another classic mix - that they would never be seen without the other and therefore everyone would end up seeing them as a sort of power couple. And they were, to start with. Jeonghan was genuinely very satisfied with their early relationship, and he couldn't have imagined having a more electrifying romance with another person. So they ended up rushing things, under the premise that it just felt natural for them. Not necessarily a bad idea, given that they were able to push past the issues with the romance drying earlier than it would have done if they had left it to drag out that little bit more.

They had shared their first kiss on the day that they started dating, having been friends for a few weeks already by that point. They were at a party together when they decided that it was best to take that step - and _without_ the use of alcohol, which was impressive - so it just seemed right for them to have that moment where they showed the other person how they felt without trying to explain it in words. And likewise, their first date came shortly afterwards. Their first time in bed came after a month or so together. They met each other's parents within the first year of their relationship, and they were attending family events together just after their anniversary.

Jeonghan had been certain that he was going to marry her. He had been sure that they were going to end up getting to their graduation day and he would take the plunge right there and then. He would ask her to marry him once they had received their degree certificates, and then they would end up having a summer wedding on a beach. And, based on how quickly things had moved up until that point, they would have probably been expecting their first baby by the time they got married.

But now things were different. He was sat in a cafe with her, with his chocolate and raspberry muffin untouched on the table in front of them. He couldn't bring himself to eat it. Not when he had called her there for such a serious discussion.

That cafe had once held good memories for the two of them. It was where they went for their first casual date when they were supposed to be preparing for their in-class assessments and they had forgotten to study. The tables had been filled with books and they were bouncing ideas off each other, and it had ended up being the best way to spend an afternoon. That was what had ultimately made Jeonghan fall in love with her, actually: he was pretty sure that she had already studied in her room, but she was pretending to have not looked at a thing so that they would be able to spend time together and she would be able to make sure that Jeonghan actually did work. She was like the big sister friend of their group when they first arrived at the university, and that was something he adored about her more than he could possibly describe.

Now, that fond memory was starting to slip away, and the thoughts of everything he'd done to betray her trust were starting to taint them. It was like an oil spill over all of the happiness, and no attempts at blotting it were going to get rid of the greasy stains that were now there to stay. It wasn't as if he wanted to do that sort of thing, of course. He had simply decided that it was for the best for both of them if he came out with this sort of thing sooner rather than later. If he didn't tell her there and then, it would ultimately end up causing a number of other issues in the future. He would have to account for it in a lot more detail, and he would probably also have to explain why he had waited for so long to tell her. There was no winning in this case. Jeonghan had already dug his grave and he was going to end up inside of it whether he told her about it or not.

So there he sat. His eyes stayed glued to the table for a good few minutes. He knew that she wasn't happy with him, but her expression was unmoving, so he couldn't really prove that she was unhappy. He couldn't really announce it without anything to prove it, since she would retort that he was playing the victim card and they would end up feeling cold towards each other before he had even managed to say what had been on his mind. Thankfully, though, she spoke up before he had the chance to come up with any evidence to say that she was unhappy with him. She had things to do. She wasn't going to simply sit there in silence for a few hours whilst she waited for her boyfriend to confess to cheating on her.

"Is it about Seungcheol?" she asked as she reached across the table to touch Jeonghan's hand. She had just had her nails filed and painted by a specialist, he noted. Something that she got every few weeks, despite his insistence that it didn't matter so much. It was something that made her happy, he guessed, and she didn't care whether he liked it or not. After all, it wasn't for him. It was for her.w  
"It is," he told her softly, making sure to keep his voice low. "I'm not sure whether I mentioned this to you, but I spent the weekend with him." She gave a hum of understanding, which seemed pretty uncharacteristic considering that she had been so insistent that she hated it and was going to call him out over it if she found out that he was lying about his whereabouts in order to go to see his sugar daddy.

For a moment, her expression became completely unreadable. She took a sip of her coffee, keeping her eyes low for a little while, and then ran a hand through her hair. Jeonghan sat in complete silence, trying his hardest to make sense of it. "I guessed as much. Your excuse was so weak this time. I can't even remember which one you used because I knew as soon as you told me that you had to go away for the weekend, you would end up in Choi Seungcheol's bed." The words had more of an analytical edge than a bitter one, but it still hurt a lot. Jeonghan had liked to think that his excuses were believable, especially since he went to the effort of getting people to back him up, but he guessed that that wasn't the case. His eyes locked on his hands as a flush of disappointment washed over his face. "You're probably wondering how I knew, hm? Girls have their way. If you lie to us, we'll know before you've even finished your sentence. But I suppose I stopped caring in the end."

There it was. Somewhat more characteristic of her, but not in a good way. In a way that suggested she was feeling completely and utterly defeated over the whole situation. She was trying her hardest to stay positive, but she really wasn't feeling it at all. It was her attempt at staying mature as they discussed something that, quite clearly and understandably, hurt her more than she could describe. And that crushed Jeonghan's heart because he knew that he had ruined something important by being a spoilt brat with no sense of boundaries.

"Anyway, what did you two lovebirds do together? A romantic get-away or something?"  
"Camping." That was all he needed to say. Her eyebrows shot up right away, and then her lips parted ever so slightly.  
"'Camping' meaning that you were in a tent in the middle of nowhere and you were stuck trying your best to avoid being caught out? How did you go to the bathroom or even sleep in a tent? Or shower? Or get dressed? Or anything, for that matter? I'm sure at that point, he's expecting that you wouldn't get embarrassed if you were getting dressed in front of him, since he's convinced that you're his girlfriend or something." Jeonghan bit down on his lower lip as he gave a shrug. She took in a deep breath through her nose and let it slip away through puffed cheeks. "Did you get away with it, though? You don't look so sure."

The silence was enough to tell her that he didn't get away with it. That he had ended up being caught out and that was what he was there to talk to her about on that particular occasion. That it wasn't something he'd planned for, but it was something he was trying to roll with, for the sake of appearances. "What did he say when he found out?" she asked.  
"He told me that he supports me and there are plenty of girls like me out there. That it's something I can't help and he's not going to shame me for it when bodies are all very different in a multitude of different ways."

All of a sudden, he was wearing a huge neon sign above his head, branding the word, "FRAUD."

It wasn't what she was expecting, and understandably so. But saying that, Jeonghan had hardly expected her to stand there in silence, with raised eyebrows and a confused expression, as she tried to figure out what she could possibly say in response to that. It was clear that she was trying to figure out whether she should be harsh to him so that he knew that it wasn't right to let someone believe that sort of thing when genuine people had those problems and were killed for it, or whether she should be relieved that his cover wasn't blown. And the conflict was, quite frankly, deserved. He would have been more surprised if she had come up with an answer immediately, and it would have signified poor character if she'd done so.

Eventually, he spoke up again, though. He knew what she was thinking and that was enough for him - at least, when it came to that dilemma. With the big reason for their meeting in the front of his mind, he rubbed his hands over his face and then informed her that that wasn't all they had to talk about together. The other issue was the fact that he was falling in love with Seungcheol and he hated himself for it because he had been so convinced that his girlfriend was his entire world, and yet he was unable to keep his eyes from wandering for five seconds. He felt disgusting, especially since they hadn't even shared simple intimacy in the longest time - not even a kiss to the forehead or an hour of cuddling as they watched a film. He didn't want it to seem as if he was there to abandon a relationship as soon as things got tough but then again, he couldn't help his feelings either. His interest in Seungcheol was as real as his interest in his girlfriend, even though he would have much preferred it if they were invalid in any way. It was just how things were.

He was surprised to find that his girlfriend didn't seem all that surprised by his confession. In fact, she didn't seem that bothered by any of it either, if he was being completely honest. Considering that she had spent so much time telling him that he was awful for trying to get too involved with Seungcheol and that he was driving a wedge between them in the process, she seemed to be considerably more nonchalant than he would have been if it was the other way around and she was seeing a rich CEO behind his back. Saying that, though, Jeonghan couldn't really complain about that nonchalance. After all, it was the one thing that made him feel that little bit better about the experience. At least he wasn't having to fight with everyone at once, even though what he'd done was pretty damn bad. He was already in a bit of a feud with himself and Seungcheol's kids, and then this sort of thing could have easily escalated to involve Seungcheol _and_ his girlfriend and probably a handful of other people too, as they eventually found out about the situation.

"You know what," she finally said in the softest voice that Jeonghan had heard in a long time. It was one that left his core feeling as if it had been carved out with a dull blade. "I think you should go for it. Date Seungcheol, if that's what you want to do. If you're in love with him. But I need you to promise me that you're going to tell him that you're a man soon."  
"What? Aren't you upset about all of this?"  
"Oh, I am. I just figured that it's best for you to do this because it's something you've been working towards for quite some time. Isn't that right? I noticed some signs that you were starting to fall for him months ago, and you're now starting to realise that you're attracted to him for more than his money. I think this is a sign that you'd make a good couple."

Jeonghan half expected her to get up out of her chair and leave at that point, but she didn't. Instead, she closed her eyes and took in the sounds of the cafe, leaving him more confused than ever. None of it seemed to make any sense for him, especially since she had let him go so easily after weeks of trying her hardest to restrict him as much as possible.

"Look, I... I didn't mean to ruin things between us," he told her as he reached a hand across the table to stroke the back of her hand. She allowed him to do so and opened her palm so that he would be able to hold her hand if he wished to do so. "I know I've lied to you and I've done things I shouldn't have done and you know that it was all because of the money--"  
"I'm sure it was in the beginning, but then you chose him. If you're willing to keep on sneaking around behind my back after I've done everything in my power to seal the cracks in our relationship, you must either be an incredibly greedy man, or you're in love. I'd like to think it's the latter, so I'll let you get on with that. I can't really judge you over who you fall in love with, even if that means that we have to break off _our_ relationship."

And right away, it made sense. It made a lot of sense. She was certainly upset and bitter about it, but she was trying to be an adult about the situation. She _had_ tried to rescue their relationship and Jeonghan had thrown it back in her face, and now she was in a position where she had surpassed the regular stages of upset and hurt and finally she was ready to accept that Jeonghan simply wasn't going to put the same effort into keeping things positive between them both. It was better for her mind if they weren't together anymore. Better for her studies and interpersonal relationships and happiness and mental health and everything else in between. And that crushed Jeonghan's heart, but he figured that it would be too unfair to expect her to take him back after everything he'd done to her over the past few months. What he had done was disgusting and she had warned him against it, but he hadn't paid attention to her warnings in the slightest. That told him that he neither deserved her, nor was he going to get her back in the end.

So they finished their drinks and Jeonghan wrapped the muffin back up in the paper bag it came with, ready to take back to his room, and then his girlfriend - _ex-girlfriend_ \- stood from her chair in silence. It was awkward because they had to walk back in the same direction, but Jeonghan figured that at least then, they would be able to ensure that they left things on a positive note. At least then, they would know that there wasn't so much bad blood between them, and their relationship had ended as well as it would have ever probably done. Given the circumstances of it all.

They continued with uncomfortable small-talk all the way to the accommodation buildings, and then she stood there without moving for a second. It caught Jeonghan off-guard, but he stopped too. They made eye contact for a moment too long, then her eyes dropped to the floor. "Jeonghan, I need you to tell Seungcheol at some point in the next month. Otherwise, I'll have to do it for you. I know that he loves you, and I don't want him to have to go through this sort of thing with you in a year or two when he decides that he wants to get married and you inform him that he can't marry you because it's not legal here."

Then she made her way into the building and Jeonghan's heart immediately sank into his stomach. He didn't know what to make of it. He didn't know how to take that sort of news - that either he would tell his boyfriend or his ex-girlfriend would do it on his behalf - especially since he hadn't really planned to tell Seungcheol for a long while. Perhaps six to twelve months.

Now, though, he was forced to come up with a plan to tell him. He dragged himself straight up to his room and sat on his bed with a pen and paper and did everything he could to come up with ideas so that he would be able to avoid getting Seungcheol upset. It was especially important because they were supposed to be going on their trip to Seychelles for his birthday soon enough, and that meant that things would be incredibly awkward between them if the information only just came out. Seungcheol wouldn't cancel it after they had spent so much time looking forward to it, but he certainly wouldn't be happy throughout the holiday. And it was hardly the most accepting place for a gay couple, if he was honest. Jeonghan had read that they wouldn't be able to be themselves whilst they were there, had he decided to come out by that point, so the plan was to simply hold it off until they got back.

So much for that plan.

He wished he could say that he didn't understand why she was getting involved in his business like that, but he supposed that it did make some sense. As much as he really didn't want to admit that. After all, she was making sure that she still looked out for him, even though they were cutting off their relationship. Sure, there had been some tension between them in the final few weeks, but it was because they ere both aware that things were coming to an end - even though Jeonghan knew it in the back of his mind and not in the front.

Perhaps she had detached herself so that they weren't going to end up having a situation where she ended up loathing him. Perhaps she had done so in time so that they would still be able to have a positive working relationship at university. Jeonghan didn't really know. All he _did_ know was that she wanted him to be his authentic self with someone he loved. That meant giving Jeongha the boot and getting on with things as a man who loved another man. And sure, there was a chance that Seungcheol would loathe it and their relationship would be over right away, but it was a risk he was going to have to take. If Seungcheol wasn't interested in men, they were going to end up having to break up eventually anyway. It was just going to be a lot harsher if he had to wait for a year or two to find out the truth.

Well, that was that. Jeonghan had to come up with something, and he had to do it fast. It wasn't ideal for his ex-girlfriend to tell Seungcheol, but he guessed that it gave him the kick he needed to get on with it and come up with a reason for why he didn't tell him earlier. He came up with a selection of excuses so that he could use whatever worked best in the heat of the moment, and then he promptly decided that it was time to just get on with it as quickly as possible. That if he held it off, his courage would end up slipping away and it just wouldn't end up happening.

He snatched up his phone right away and sent Seungcheol the text that was going to end up changing his life. "Hey, I really need to talk to you about something that's incredibly important. I know it's only been a few hours since I last saw you, but could we go for a drive together? Is that okay?" And then he tossed his phone onto the bed so that he couldn't dare to recall the message or follow it up with a, "Sorry, that was meant for someone else." He then grabbed the paper bag from the cafe, ripped it open, and stuffed the cake into his mouth in one go, in hopes that it would comfort him just a little bit as he tried to calm himself down from the nerves that were threatening to take over as he waited impatiently for the reply from his boyfriend.

Then, of course, the reply came. "I'm in a meeting until five o'clock. Is that too late? Would you like me to cancel it and come earlier?"  
"No, that's fine. Just tell me when you're out and I'll get ready to meet you."


	7. Chapter 7

Gin and tonic.

A mix that was made to compliment, and something that was a classic favourite.

It was something that Jeonghan had come to love over the months. He had thought that gin and tonic was a pathetic excuse for a drink when he first started studying, but that opinion didn't last when he started getting involved with Seungcheol. In fact, his mind changed completely. As he began to feel that he was obliged to like something like that - as a result of his idea that it was quite a feminine drink - he began to order it occasionally when they went out together. And then he got used to it. Something he wasn't planning on doing, obviously, but he supposed that it wasn't as pathetic as he originally anticipated. In fact, the right amount of gin got him tipsy pretty quickly and, at that point, he would relax pretty quickly into his role.

Another reason why Jeonghan liked it was that the tipsy feeling was pretty representative of his developing feelings for Seungcheol, once he stopped and really thought about it. It was like one of those situations where he felt as if he had fallen pretty gradually. In reality, he'd probably not noticed how quickly it had hit him because he had been sitting down the whole time. And then he went to stand and someone - anyone - needed to steady him before he fell to the ground.

It was a bit of a weird way of describing things, he decided, but he guessed it was one way to word how he was feeling. And that was one of the reasons why he was so hesitant to tell Seungcheol exactly what was going on in his world when they were in the car together, even though he had promised himself and his ex-girlfriend that he was going to go for it and get it over with there and then.

Seungcheol had started talking to him about everything he could think to talk about when they were driving together. He had a million things on his mind, and a lot of it was to do with Jeonghan's situation - or at least, what he _thought_ was Jeonghan's situation. It was something that made Jeonghan feel happy and guilty at the same time, and he didn't really know what he could do with himself when he realised that it was probably a bad time to bring the topic to the surface. Of course, Seungcheol knew that he wanted to talk about something, but he had gone into a rant that was so positive towards those who didn't fit in with societal expectations that he found the words catching in his throat.

After all, he guessed that anyone else would feel happy to have that sort of thing in their life. They would feel happy to know that their boyfriend was so aware of the issues that other people faced that he was willing to support anything that was happening to them, and that was something he knew he ought to be grateful for. It was just tough to see that and then tell his boyfriend that he had it all wrong.

So he kept his mouth shut for as long as possible and occasionally let out little hums of understanding to encourage Seungcheol to keep talking about the things he believed in, and it worked for quite a while until the older man realised that his "girlfriend" hadn't said a word in a long time. "Sorry I keep talking so much," he said softly as he reached a hand across the car to stroke the back of Jeonghan's hand. "I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, huh? I'm just glad that my company is so willing to provide such specific rights to people who are struggling the most in society, and I'm proud of the fact that we agreed to absolutely no loopholes at all in this case."

It was at that point that he decided to ask about what Jeonghan wanted to discuss, and suddenly Jeonghan felt as if he'd had a weight dropped on his chest. It felt as if he couldn't breathe, and that feeling was absolutely disgusting. And so, his confession came out as an awkward question, rather than an attempt to directly address the situation. And it completely missed the mark in the process. "How much does my naked body bother you?" he asked, fighting the urge to wince as soon as the words had left his lips. Seungcheol sat in silence for longer than necessary. Jeonghan felt as if he was going to explode.

"Do I make you feel as if I'm disgusted with your body?" he asked as he parked the car at the side of the road. "I'm sorry if I make it feel like that. I'm not disgusted at all, honestly. I'll admit that it's not what I'm used to and it'll take some time to really know what will make your body feel amazing, both in and out of the bedroom, but I want to come to understand this with you and I want to learn. That's why I'm planning on teaching myself more about your figure and about bodies that are similar to yours, since I think that'll be good for making sure that you feel comfortable in everything that you're wearing and I can buy you gifts without having to worry that it'll make you feel uncomfortable or anything like that. Does it make sense?"

And so, the sinking feeling continued to push Jeonghan even further into the chair. He gave up on that particular attempt, figuring that it was the worst idea to come out to Seungcheol at that point in time, and so he ended up feeling incredibly guilty when his boyfriend bought him ice cream and then took him back to his place so that they could spend the night together. The treat didn't feel anywhere near as good as he would have liked it to feel, and the sex didn't feel right when he knew that he was outright lying to Seungcheol about everything that he was experiencing.

Jeonghan knew very well that he should have just gotten it out of the way right there and then, but it had led to a slippery slope that made things even worse and he figured out rather quickly that he'd essentially dug his grave and had to lie in it.

There wasn't really anything he could do to worm his way out of the situation. He knew that someone was going to end up telling Seungcheol if he didn't mention it first. And the last thing he really needed was to have a serious chat about why someone else had to tell his boyfriend that sort of thing before he did. So he ended up coming up with a particularly extensive plan to bring it up, with ideas of how to approach a variety of different questions that Seungcheol could possibly want to ask along the way. He had decided that going down the sob story route was the best way to do things, especially seeing as his boyfriend had such a soft and gentle heart that he really would understand those sorts of things if they were presented to him in a way that tugged on his heartstrings.

He even planned it down to the day. It was three days before his ex-girlfriend said she was going to tell him about the situation, and that was particularly important because it was on the day that they'd started dating in the month, back when they first got together. It was also, incidentally, the first day that they had started speaking to each other. Purely by accident, Jeonghan figured, but it was something that he could use to make it seem as if every little milestone was important to him along the way. Seungcheol didn't have to know that he'd gone back to the Sugar website so that he could have a look through their messages and find out the exact date that they'd started speaking to each other. And he probably didn't know the date either, for that matter, so Jeonghan could easily change things here and there to suit the situation.

Again, he called for them to meet. He was bored, he told Seungcheol, so he wanted to meet up in person and spend time together. Perhaps they could order food to his boyfriend's house and watch a movie together, he said, and that way, they would be able to relax after a busy week. It was the first weekend that Seungcheol was due to have off work in a long time, so that made things that little bit easier for him.

They ended up meeting quite early, and then promptly made their way back to Seungcheol's place so that they could begin their weekend. Jeonghan could feel his heart racing as soon as they went through to the main room together, but he tried his hardest to act natural. And then, when Seungcheol went to sit with him - food boxes and cutlery in hand - he dropped the bombshell by grabbing his hands and telling him that he needed to confess something important first.

Seungcheol seemed worried right away. He swallowed and gave a nod, and then adjusted his sitting position as Jeonghan gently rubbed his hands with his thumbs. "Now, this is going to sound really horrible, but my friend has told me that she's going to tell you this if I don't, and I think it's better that we discuss it before she has the chance to make me out to be a bad person. So, here it is." Jeonghan took in a deep breath and squeezed Seungcheol's hands that little bit tighter. "I have to confess to you that in the early stages of our relationship, I was absolutely just trying to be a golddigger. I didn't really feel anything for you at all, not even a level of companionship. I just wanted to get money from a rich man who needed some sort of emotional support. But then I fell in love with you. Hard. I didn't really understand those feelings and it drove a wedge between me and the people I was close to at the time. I was actually dating a girl, and I ended up going behind her back to see you."

Silence. Jeonghan could hear his heart ringing in his ears. And then Seungcheol finally gave a slight nod. "Were you having an affair with me or something?" he asked. "You know, I can't really condone cheating, and I do think that it's incredibly disrespectful to your partner to do that."  
"Oh, she knew about you. She just warned me that I was going to end up falling in love with you because I was getting too close for comfort, and so she got controlling and I began seeing you more and more without telling her so that she thought perhaps I was going off you a bit. Not cheating because she was aware of it, but I suppose I betrayed her a little bit along the way. A different situation but the same sorts of issues."

Then Seungcheol gave an understanding nod. This one was more assured. "Well, if it makes you feel any better about it all, I was probably just as bad back then. I was attracted to you, but I wanted someone to sleep with and that was it. I didn't really think that you would be the sort of person who would refuse sex with me, since my other sugar babies initiated it from the first date, but then I had the idea that perhaps you wanted something serious and so I ended up developing feelings for you too. Maybe that was how we ended up here. I don't know, but I'm not judging you for that."

They shared a gentle kiss, and Jeonghan could see that Seungcheol was feeling a lot less tense now that he'd heard that part of the confession. It crushed him to know that it was going to end up returning to his face shortly afterwards, but that was something he would deal with as it happened. So he took a minute or so to cuddle with Seungcheol and make him feel that little bit more relaxed again, and then finally dropped the second bombshell when they were almost ready to start eating their dinner.

"There's one more thing," he announced. "It's really hard for me to tell you this, but I hope you'll understand and not hold this against me because it's something that I feel you deserve, and it's something that has only really become an issue recently. I need you to know that I'm not a woman at all. I don't feel like a woman. I don't want to be a woman. I'm a man, through and through. Always have been, and always will be."

That left the room feeling a lot more uncomfortable than he could have possibly imagined. Seungcheol tried his hardest to keep his expression neutral, but it was clear that his emotions had become negative right away. Yet, it was unclear what he was feeling exactly. There were hints of hurt on his face, mixed with anger, betrayal, and disbelief. It looked as if he was expecting Jeonghan to announce that he was joking right away, but that response didn't come and the hints of hope that were splashed across his cheeks eventually faded into distrust as he turned his face away. He wasn't going to ask for confirmation that it was a poor attempt at humour. Not at all.

It felt as if time had stopped completely. Jeonghan didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't tell whether it was better to speak or stay silent, and the longer he stayed silent, the harder it was to speak. He knew that Seungcheol knew he was serious about it. He knew that he wasn't about to be doubted at all. He knew that he had thrown himself into the pit and the dogs were going to rip him to shreds.

And yet, Seungcheol was strangely calm as his eyes shifted down to his hands and he began rubbing his thumbs in circles over the skin of the opposing wrist. "What's your name, if it's not Jeongha?" he breathed into the air between them. That was all. He hadn't given himself enough time to take it in, and he hadn't really thought about it all that much at all. That much was clear. By asking the question so soon after Jeonghan had announced such a thing, he was tricking himself into thinking that he was fine with that confession. The weight of the silence between them as he waited for an answer suggested that he wasn't quite as happy to be asking such a question as he was trying to hide that pain that was taking over in his heart.

It was absolutely soul-crushing to see him like that. Jeonghan's decision to play the victim had disappeared as soon as he saw the hurt that he'd caused, and he suddenly didn't know how he could have possibly thought it would have worked. So he simply swallowed the growing lump in his throat as he gave his reply.

"Jeonghan."

A glance in his direction. He thought he'd misheard for a moment, it seemed, It was close enough to be the name he'd been using but too close for it to be something his boyfriend was comfortable with using to address him. But then, saying that, he didn't address that at all. Instead, he went straight to saying the name out loud. Something that should have made Jeonghan's heart flutter. Instead, it made him feel as if he'd been kicked in the chest and all of the air had been sucked out of his lungs, leaving him weak and helpless. "Well, _Jeonghan_ ," Seungcheol started as he pulled his hands back. "I think I should get you a taxi to take you back to your university dorm, don't you think?" The coldness in his tone almost killed Jeonghan, and he immediately knew that he'd done more damage than he could have possibly anticipated. It was like he was watching himself from the sidelines of a dream, and he could see it turning into a nightmare but had absolutely no idea of how to fix things now that he could see it coming.

"Why do I need to go home?" he asked stupidly, though. Seungcheol's eyes found his face again. There was a fire behind his eyes. Jeonghan didn't like that. "I mean, you didn't have a problem with it before today. You know what I look like without clothes and you didn't seem to have a problem with that at all. And now that's suddenly changed. I want you to talk to me about it. Tell me what the difference is."

That wasn't the right thing to ask. Not at all. Anyone else would have lost their lid, Jeonghan knew without a doubt, He was just grateful that Seungcheol had managed to keep his cool, even though he was clearly upset about the whole situation. "Do you understand what you've done?" he asked. It was clear that he was struggling not to lose his lid too, and Jeonghan could hardly say that he would blame his boyfriend if that did happen. He swallowed and reached out to touch the back of Seungcheol's hand, in hopes that it would help to diffuse the situation. The hand was yanked away before he even had the chance to make contact.

"I don't think you understand the implications here. Now, I don't care that you're a man, not at all. I think my friends would be more surprised than I would be if I ended up falling in love with a man at some point in my life. I wouldn't care if you were a woman who was experiencing any sort of problem with your identity or sex or anything. But do you know how much I've looked into this to ensure that you get the best treatment possible? Do you understand that I was willing to give you the whole world and make sure that we did everything in our power to give you the most comfortable life? And yet, it was all a lie. In your world, it probably seems like it's a white lie. It probably doesn't seem like that much of an issue at all. But I've read about thousands of people who _are_ heavily affected by this sort of thing. Something that isn't even their fault. People who don't conform to gender expectations, or people who are intersex and have doctors trying to force them to conform to the roles of one gender or another before they even have a concept of identity or people who have lost their lives because of this sort of thing.

"I've read absolutely horrendous things about the experiences that people face, in an attempt to make sure that you never have to face that. But you _wouldn't_ ever have to face that because it was all made up to be convenient for you. And, you see, I wouldn't have an issue with this if you were genuinely having problems with your self-expression. I would support you every step of the way because the world around you is cruel and I... I _love_ you, and that's what people do for each other when they think they're in love. But to find out that you've made something like that up..."

The word "think" hit Jeonghan harder than he expected it to hit. In the space of a few minutes, Seungcheol had gone from being absolutely sure about his feelings to saying that he thought he had feelings, and that was something that left Jeonghan's entire body feeling heavy right away. He felt sick. He could feel his scalp sweating and his throat going dry and his arms aching, and he knew without a doubt that it was all his fault. He had disappointed Seungcheol. He had lied about something that caused problems for so many people without even considering the implications of his actions. He had been incredibly selfish, and then he had expected Seungcheol to be fine with that, as if it wasn't a big deal at all.

"How angry are you?" he finally asked, figuring that that was the best way to approach the situation. If Seungcheol was incredibly angry with him, perhaps space really was the best option. If not, they could probably talk about it a bit more, provided that he was willing to do so.  
"I'm not angry," Seungcheol replied. The level of calm that he expressed suggested otherwise. Jeonghan knew not to relax just yet.

And then it came, pummelling the hell out of Jeonghan's body in the process. If he was in a video game, his HP would be at 1%. He would be barely clinging on. In fact, it felt like he was barely clinging on in real life, too. "I'm furious. Incredibly disappointed with your behaviour and attitude, as if you think this is some sort of joke. Absolutely humiliated that I'm supposed to be in a relationship with someone who is so self-absorbed that he doesn't even realise that it seems like the easy option to lie about something like this, but the life expectancy for someone in this position is a lot shorter than the life expectancy of your average person. I feel disgusted. I feel betrayed. This is not something that I'll be getting over very quickly."

That was that. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was something that he would address when he'd eventually had the time to think about things properly, but he insisted that it wasn't Jeonghan's place to contact him again until he'd had that time to reflect upon it properly. He wasn't going to withhold Jeonghan's allowance for the month, since he understood that it would have a huge impact on his life when it was his only source of income, but that didn't mean that everything was going to be fine between them. It just happened to be the case that he had a lot more respect for other people than Jeonghan had, apparently.

So they parted ways. Seungcheol gave Jeonghan his dinner and then called a taxi to take him back to his apartment. And as soon as he got back there, Jeonghan made a beeline straight to the nearest bar so that he could get the gin top-up that he had been craving in order to get rid of that feeling of dread that had been building in his chest since the moment he'd watched Seungcheol's mood drop.

On one hand, he figured that space would have been necessary whether it had gone well or not, but then again, he had a feeling that Seungcheol was going to need a lot more space in this case. Considering that he had seemed to incredibly bothered by the whole thing - despite Jeonghan's intentions not involving making a mockery of other people's experiences - Jeonghan could assume that it wasn't going to be a fun few weeks as he waited to find out whether Seungcheol was going to give him the time of day again.

But from what he could tell, it wasn't looking good for him. His whole world had changed in the space of an hour and he knew that even if Seungcheol was to forgive him, there would still likely be a level of distrust between them. And whilst a part of him wanted to give up and move on before he had the chance to feel the crushing weight of his actions taking over his daily life, he knew that if Seungcheol forgave him and then found out that he'd done something like that, it would end up even worse. 

He couldn't bear that. Not when he was still very certain that he loved Seungcheol.


	8. Chapter 8

Bread and butter.

A mix that went together perfectly fine, of course, and was very well-known for being paired. It was a fail-safe combination, for the most part. It could go with anything else - salad, luncheon meat, sausages, chips - and it would remain a classic combination. But there was one problem, as far as Jeonghan was concerned. The pair made for a boring mix when it was on its own, and that spoke to him quite directly.

It was all Jeonghan ate throughout the month of August, spare for a few added carbs on top of that. It was bland and it was pathetic. But he couldn't really do anything about it. It was all that he could bring himself to eat. Everything tasted like bread and butter anyway, whether he liked it or not. It was just how things were for a while. Jeonghan had developed a nasty head cold, and it meant that his nose was blocked. Blocked nose meant limited senses in the surrounding regions. Which, in turn, meant that he couldn't really taste things anyway. So whatever he had was mixed with bread and butter, since it was the most convenient option.

There was something comforting about eating white carbs, though. Something that pushed through the blandness and gave him something to look forward to whenever he had a meal. It was something that left Jeonghan feeling full and the emptiness in his chest feeling a little bit less... empty. Especially if it was paired with something else. Rice on buttered bread. Pasta on buttered bread. Potato on buttered bread. The only thing keeping him from putting on weight from the sheer amount of fat and carbs that he was consuming was the fact that he was only eating once a day. His stomach was delicate and any little disruption was causing problems for him.

He couldn't even count the number of times where he'd finally fallen asleep at around four o'clock in the morning, only to wake again at seven because his stomach was aching and insisting that he needed to go to the bathroom. It was anxiety, he figured. Anxiety about the fact that his test results were delayed, as a result of a system fault that had caused a nationwide halt, and the fact that he hadn't heard anything from Seungcheol since July 23rd when he tried to send an apology message and he was shut down immediately. "When I say I need space," Seungcheol told him firmly in the message, "I mean that I don't want you to keep messaging me. I need to figure this out on my own. This is not an invitation for you to pester me. If you continue to message me, I can promise you that I won't be getting back with you at all. I hope that you'll see this message and realise that I'm very serious about this. I will message you first when I'm ready to talk."

So he'd given up on fighting for his cause.

What else was he to do? Of course, there was a little bit of hope still in the pit of his stomach - a little bit of his sunken heart that was insisting that at some point, Seungcheol was going to see his points and come back - but that hope seemed to be ill-placed with every passing day. Seungcheol wasn't exactly the quickest at replying to messages when Jeonghan was simply looking to chat anyway, even though he was good at replying when there was a clear topic highlighted in Jeonghan's opening texts, so he didn't really know what to expect in the first place. But then, every time that Jeonghan's phone buzzed, he made his way over as quickly as possible to check whether it was his boyfriend or not. And even when there was no chance of it being him - when he'd made plans to talk to someone at a certain time and his phone buzzed at that specific time, right on the nose - he still had that wave of hope. He still felt as if it could be him; as if there was the slightest, slimmest chance that perhaps it was a coincidence and Seungcheol had been considering sending him a message all day, only to pick that time to do it.

But that was never the case. Seungcheol simply didn't get back to him. So Jeonghan was simply left feeling sorry for himself for the rest of the summer. The hopefulness started to disappear with every passing day, and he quickly learned that he needed something else to pass his time, or otherwise, he would end up losing it.

It was a shame, frankly. It wasn't even as if he _could_ do anything else to pass his time, as he quickly learned when he tried to give it a shot. He couldn't even bring himself to go home to his parents since he knew that he wouldn't be able to enjoy his time whilst he was there. He knew that there would be too many questions from nosy relatives, including his parents and sister, and he didn't think he could handle that. He didn't want to have to come out to them, for starters, and he also didn't want to have to tell them about what happened with his ex-girlfriend. And he knew that if he didn't, they would simply go to her instead, and she wouldn't lie for him. Not after everything he did to her.

Sure, she wasn't really the sort who would out someone when that could be unsafe for him, but that didn't mean that she was going to hold back on the other details. The fact that he was seeing someone else behind her back and all. And that was as good as outing him. His parents were going to be disappointed if they found out that he'd cheated on his girlfriend like that, and they would demand an explanation. And nothing would really fly unless he was to admit that he'd actually fallen in love with another man instead. Perhaps then they would be a little bit more understanding. But then again, perhaps they would absolutely flip shit and demand that he never comes home again. He couldn't really tell, especially since they were quite opinionated and very quick to react to things without properly thinking it through beforehand.

Instead, he'd made an excuse to them about the fact that they were close enough for day trips but since he was still paying the rent for his dorm, he figured he might as well stay in the city center for the most part. Especially since his results were going to come out at any point and there was a chance that he needed to retake his exams - plus he'd claimed that he had a job at the university cafe so that he had an excuse to stay there without his parents insisting that he was within a forty-minute metro journey of where they lived so he could easily go back and forth whenever he pleased.

But it was hard to gage whether that plan had ended successfully or not. On one hand, it had gone down without too many questions and they allowed him to do whatever he felt was best for his education. On the other hand, it only served to make him feel that little bit more isolated and lonely, which wasn't exactly the greatest thing in the world. He didn't really need that when he was already having issues, and he certainly didn't need to deal with that when he wasn't looking after his health. Between only leaving his dorm to go to the bathroom and to get more bread and butter, he wasn't really living his best life.

It took until September 6th for Jeonghan to hear anything back from Seungcheol, actually. Way too long, and way too late.

By that point, he'd completely given up. He really hadn't been trying for quite a while, since his effort felt like it was wasted and it only served to make him feel that little bit more tired. He'd spent fourteen days straight in bed. He hadn't showered since it seemed pointless to do so when he'd bought all of his food in bulk, he was the only one in the dorms, and he didn't have to see any other people. There was no one to judge him, and there was no one to make him feel as if he should fix his act. So he simply didn't. He let his habits get worse, and he let his feelings of inadequacy overwhelm him, right up until that point where his phone buzzed.

Jeonghan knew that it was getting bad when it was a struggle to lift his arm to check his phone. By that point, he was sure that it was just his mother or some spammer who was trying to sell him something on the phone. He was already feeling completely drained - probably from a lack of sufficient nutrition and poor sleep, he guessed - and so it took all of his effort to find his phone on the bedside table and look at the screen. And even when he saw that the message was from Seungcheol, the strength didn't return to him. Instead, his stomach twisted into an ugly knot and his head felt dizzy, and he felt a sudden wave of nausea hit him like a brick.

A huge part of him didn't want to read the message. He'd come to accept that he'd screwed up royally and that there was nothing to grasp onto anymore. He'd convinced himself that he'd taken a jackhammer to the foundations of their relationship and turned it all into rubble, and absolutely nothing he could do would be able to fix the mess that he'd created. And it had all hit when he'd realised that he was in love with Seungcheol, of all of the times, which had made it hurt that little bit more. He'd screwed up with someone who was incredibly important to him. And it shouldn't have happened. It was something that he shouldn't have started in the first place, and he knew that he should have cut things off as soon as he realised that he was starting to catch feelings. Especially since he knew that this sort of thing would inevitably happen if he kept up the facade. It wasn't something that Seungcheol was simply going to ignore, and Jeonghan certainly wasn't prepared to spend the rest of his life pretending to be a woman for the sake of someone else's happiness.

Now, it was too late. To read the message was to fall deep and hard again, and he didn't know if he could handle that. Sure, there was a chance that Seungcheol was going to say that everything was going to be fine between them, but what were the chances? And if he didn't say that, after Jeonghan had been building his hopes up for around seven or eight weeks, it was going to hurt even more. It would be the final kick that would end him, and he was certain that he'd lie there until one of his classmates came to check on him and found him hibernating for the rest of his pathetic life if that was the case.

Saying that, though, he knew that he had to read it at some point. It was silly to let those feelings continue to overwhelm him when that was the message that he'd been waiting for all summer. And since his phone was already in his hand, he guessed that his best bet was to simply go for it and get it out of the way. So he unlocked his phone and waited for the unreasonably long message to load, in complete silence, then finally started to read it once those unwanted words illuminated the screen.

"First of all," Seungcheol started, "I want to apologise for taking so long to get back to you about this. I've had some other personal issues to deal with over the past few weeks, which I can't discuss with you due to confidentiality issues, but I do want you to know that I wanted to send this to you earlier. I don't know whether that's something that you'll find comforting, but I think that it should show you that I've had a lot of time to calm down and reconsider my feelings for you, and so you don't need to worry about me changing my mind tomorrow or next week. They're very much here to stay, and I don't think they'll be leaving anytime soon. This might be naivety on my part, but I do think it's a good sign for the future.

"Saying that, though, I do need you to think about your actions seriously and decide whether you truly think that they were appropriate. If you think you can give me a valid explanation for why you would do something like that, I think you need to take a step back and remind yourself that an argument in which you try to justify actions that were taken in poor taste isn't a justification. I don't think you can truly justify an action that further marginalises the members of our society who already feel the weight of being born a minority in an uncaring world.

"Now, I need you to take a step back and consider very carefully. Do you believe I should take you back after this? I want you to know that your decision is very important, and it's representative of you as a person. If you decide that you should be forgiven and then make similar mistakes in the future, I'm afraid that something more severe will have to come out of this. If you decide that you shouldn't be forgiven, I won't judge you, and I'll be happy to part as unlikely friends. But if you decide that you deserve a second chance and you're willing to accept that you did wrong and that these mistakes cannot be repeated, I would like to arrange to meet you again at some point so that we can discuss the terms of our arrangement again. It's an aspect of social responsibility that is incredibly important to me.

"Take twenty-four hours to consider your answer, and then let me know what you think. Cheol."

The casual ending to such a serious message went through Jeonghan like a bullet. He didn't know why it hit him so hard, but it was as if it had left a huge hole in his heart. His entire body ached and for the first time in eight weeks, he took the time to cry about the situation that he was in: over the fact that he'd severely misjudged everything and he'd made a complete idiot of himself, only to be accepted back into Seungcheol's life, as if it wasn't a big deal at all. It was the second-chance that he needed but didn't necessarily deserve. And so he needed to sort himself out as best as possible.

He knew better than to message back right away. He knew that it was a sign of desperation and Seungcheol would take that as a sign of his lack of maturity. So he took the time to sort himself out instead. As much as it hurt his body to get out of bed and sort his life out, he knew that it was the only way to mentally prepare himself to message back. It was the sort of decision that required he get out of his depressed rut because whilst he couldn't change his feelings of loneliness and isolation when he didn't have the strength to tackle that aspect of his life, he knew that he had to do something.

So he forced himself to take a shower and brush his teeth, twice. Once wasn't enough to get rid of those feelings of being unclean, and he ended up scrubbing himself until his skin squeaked so that he couldn't argue with his body's insistence that he was still filthy. He cleaned under his nails and cut them short with nail clippers, and then cleaned his ears with some cotton buds, despite knowing that it wasn't exactly the healthiest thing to do.

It took around an hour to change his bedding, and even longer to clean up the crumbs and dirt from his carpet with the mini hand vacuum that he had. But when it was done, he felt a lot better about himself. When the empty food wrappers and other trash was removed from his room and all of his dirty washing was taken to the laundry room to be cleaned, he honestly felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest. Then, when the windows were opened and the room blasted with an air freshener and his favourite music was turned on, he almost felt alive for a second.

Sure, it wasn't perfect. He still felt heavy and pathetic, and the music certainly wasn't helping his mood anywhere near as much as he'd hoped it would, but it almost felt as if he could pretend otherwise. And it took his mind off the message that he'd received from Seungcheol for a few hours. It left him feeling tired enough to go back to bed, especially after spending so much time in bed with his sickness and low mood, but he forced himself to stay awake for that little bit longer. He needed to eat something more than bread, just so that he felt that little bit more energetic. He needed to inhale air that wasn't stale and grey. He needed to feel the wind in his hair for just long enough to make him realise that he'd actually done really well to turn his bad habits around that quickly, even if it _was_ an attempt at distracting himself from the message he'd received.

And okay, he still felt bad by the time he woke up the following morning, but his head felt that little bit clearer and he suddenly had this feeling that perhaps he could reply to Seungcheol's message with a mature flair to his response. Perhaps it wasn't going to be perfect - especially since one day certainly wasn't enough to elevate his mood entirely and there was still an underlying feeling that perhaps it wasn't even worth it to try to argue his case - but he would at least give it a try and see where it took him. For the sake of making sure that they didn't finish off on a bad note, if nothing else.

He waited for as long as possible before sending that message. It was beautifully composed, admittedly, and he'd spent more time on it than he cared to admit. He's worked incredibly hard to make sure that it represented his feelings and thoughts in the most accurate manner possible, and he'd made sure to save it as a draft message for an hour, too, so that he could go back and look at it with fresh eyes later. And that seemed to work out well for him. He sent the message, knowing full well that it was his best attempt at sorting things out between him and his boyfriend, and then he tossed his phone to one side for a while longer so that he didn't have to think about what sort of reply would come.

But the reply that came wasn't even a bad one, in the end, so it worked out well. Seungcheol simply asked to meet him whilst he was dressed normally, and he wanted to see if they clicked when they met face-to-face again. If they did and he got a sense that Jeonghan was honestly upset about his own behaviour and attitude, he was going to receive a second chance. If not, well... they were going to figure that out when they got to it.

So they picked a day and time. One of the times that they would have usually met anyway. Jeonghan picked the clothes that represented his style most accurately, whilst also ensuring that he looked presentable. The last thing he really needed was to look scruffy when they met again. Especially since Seungcheol looked perfect whenever they met.

He felt a tingle of excitement running through his body as he took the bus over to the agreed place. He was going to be almost twenty minutes early to their meeting, he figured, but it was better than being late. It showed that he was serious about being a better character. It was a sign that things were going to change and he knew it. And that meant that that extra twenty minutes of waiting on the bench outside the mall didn't feel like anything at all. In fact, it gave him enough time to calm his nerves and figure things out - including the things he wanted to say about his thoughts and feelings - and so when he finally saw Seungcheol, he couldn't help but smile a shy but genuine smile.

The feeling was like no other. It felt as if they had spent a lifetime apart and fate was bringing them back together. It felt like a movie scene or something out of a romantic drama. If felt beautiful and magical, and Jeonghan could feel the heaviness leaving his bones when he stood up to greet the older man again.

Interestingly, Seungcheol seemed happy to see him, too. He made his way over to where Jeonghan was standing, and the tension quickly drained out of his shoulders. He considered his next move carefully. It looked as if he was going to shake Jeonghan's hand, but then he quickly realised that it wasn't going to help to create that satisfying first meeting that he was hoping for. So his arms ended up around Jeonghan's waist, and Jeonghan leaned into the touch right away. He pressed his chest to Seungcheol's body and wrapped his arms around his neck and took in the scent of Seungcheol's soap. It was one of those clean smells that he couldn't get enough of, and he adored being able to fill his lungs and senses with that scent once again.

"Should we start by getting something to eat?" Seungcheol asked when he finally pulled away from the hug. "I suppose it would have been too early for you to eat if you'd had something on your way over here. I know how your stomach gets in the early mornings. The last thing you really needed to worry about was stomach pains when you were travelling this morning, right?" Jeonghan gave a nod. His heart was quickly turning to mush as he gazed into Seungcheol's eyes. Seungcheol held his gaze for a moment before turning his head towards the mall. "What do you want to eat? A proper meal? Something from the convenience store? Fast food? Sandwiches?"

That last option made Jeoghan's stomach lurch. "Uh, anything apart from bread, I think. I've had enough bread to last me for the rest of my life over the past few weeks. I think I'll be sick if I have to eat it again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu what's this? I'm back?
> 
> That's right - after a soul-destroying few weeks at work, I've returned to provide you with another chapter. And I'm hoping that when I stop putting more and more pressure on myself, I'll be able to actually give you guys a lot more content to sate your unquenchable thirst for boys who love each other
> 
> Watch this space for more, okay?
> 
> Love as always, Camel


	9. Chapter 9

Omelet and rice.

That was what they ate in the end. It seemed like the perfect option for them both. Something that was filling but not too filling, suitable for a morning meal, and didn't contain bread. It was something that was light on Jeonghan's stomach and stopped him from feeling bad about himself, but also gave him something to eat whilst he was trying to think of things to say to Seungcheol.

And there were a lot of things that he wanted to say to Seungcheol. He wanted to tell him everything that came to his mind and explode with all of the words that had been trapped inside his head for so many days. He wanted to go back to exactly how they had been when they were first together, and he wanted to tell Seungcheol that he was sorry for everything he'd done wrong in their time together. It was all on him, too. Seungcheol had been perfect. He had been patient and kind and accepting, and he hadn't been the sort of person that he had every right to be. He had told Jeonghan what he'd done wrong in simple words, and he hadn't been impolite about it, even though he could have been. And now, Jeonghan was left with his heart thudding hard in his chest as he stared at the man who he loved and respected so much, and he couldn't help but have a sense that yes, actually, he _was_ in love with him and it wasn't an act.

"How have things been for you lately?" Seungcheol asked casually as he cut his omelet with his chopsticks. The action was delicate but done with such precision that the egg split completely with one strike. It made Jeonghan's heart seize, even though it certainly had no reason to do so. It must've just been because he was in Seungcheol's presence, he supposed.  
"It's been a bit tough," he admitted, despite not knowing whether that was the sort of thing that would turn Seungcheol away from him. He'd come for a catch-up, and that probably didn't include hearing his... well, his _ex_ -boyfriend being negative about life.  
Seungcheol's eyebrows raised slightly. "You too? What happened?"

Then it came pouring out. Jeonghan couldn't help but let out an exasperated noise as he admitted that his exam results were late and he had been stressed about those, and that his family had been pressuring him to go home but he'd really struggled with having the emotional capacity to spend time with them, and he'd spent the whole holiday period on his own because he'd been anxious and depressed over everything that had been going on in his life, but he was aware that it was all his fault and there was no one else to blame for it. It was something that he had to deal with on his own, he said, but it was something that had been bothering him a lot, too. And it had ended up being a huge relief that Seungcheol had messaged him because then he felt that he _had_ to sort himself out and stop moping over the fact that he'd royally screwed up these things on his own.

Seungcheol listened the whole time. He didn't add anything of his own in there; he didn't interrupt or even agree with any of the things that Jeonghan said. Instead, he simply watched and listened and let him vent it out before giving a little nod. "I see. It sounds like you've had a lot on your plate lately. I hope that it isn't an inconvenience for you to come all of this way to see me today," he said, and Jeonghan was suddenly hit with an uncharacteristic 'fight or flight' response. His mind told him that the best way to respond was to go off at Seungcheol about how he was a bad person for making him feel like it was his fault. It seemed like the only natural way to respond to something like that. But then again, it was only going to paint him in a disfavourable way: as a child who couldn't control his emotions and so was incapable of having a romantic relationship with an adult who he'd already lied to and argued with beforehand.

So he took a breath. He steadied himself. He pressed his hands into his knees as hard as he could - as a physical representation of grounding himself - and then he slowly shook his head. "It's not an inconvenience. It got me out of bed today. It's the first step to things getting better for me. Perhaps things will be better after this. Maybe I can talk to my parents and then contact my professor about my grades. I think that it's the step forward that I need to be able to make things better for myself. Do you agree?"

It was probably the most mature that Jeonghan had ever sounded in his life and he was rather impressed with his own ability to respond so calmly instead of giving the immediate response that came to mind. It was something that clearly earnt him some points as Seungcheol immediately let out a noise of agreement in response and nodded his head. The omelet met his lips and then he spent a moment considering it as he chewed. "I suppose that these things sometimes do help you to clear your mind, don't they? And whilst I wouldn't really like this to be the first step for your recovery - seeing as it implies that this was the primary problem in your head - I'm glad that you're getting back on your feet." He proceeded to ask a selection of follow-up questions about Jeonghan's health and ability to look after himself and whilst there were some clear concerns about his eating and sleeping habits, a little bit of reassurance was enough to make him seem a bit more comfortable with the situation. So much so that Jeonghan felt happy enough to move the conversation towards Seungcheol's situation and how things were on his side.

"Ah, well," he started, and then promptly closed his mouth as he tried to choose his words. There was a look of slight discomfort on his face as he mulled over exactly what he wanted to say, but then it eventually just came out as he let his eyes drop to the table. "Okay, I've told you that there are some confidential matters that I can't discuss and that still stands, but I also have to come clean to you about something else. Since we last saw each other, I've been on a few dates and some of them made it to second or third dates." And just like that, Jeonghan's heart shattered into a million pieces. He stared at Seungcheol in silence, not really knowing what to say in response to that, but the older man was quick to catch whatever sliver of hurt that his expression had shown as they made eye contact. "Wait, wait. I know what you're thinking and I need you to listen. I went on the dates because I didn't think that I would be happy to get back with you after what you did. I was incredibly upset with you and I thought it was completely unforgivable, but I've had some time to calm down and I take it back.

"But at that time, I decided that the best way to get over you was to have a few casual dates with other people and whilst we certainly clicked, they weren't for me. I wasn't really fond of dating women of my age, and I've always thought of Sugar Babies as people who I'm helping out with money in exchange for companionship, not to take advantage of their need for money. So I decided, once we reached a point, that I would tell them about us."  
"And what do you mean by that?" Jeonghan said. He tried his hardest to avoid making it sound like a demand since he knew he had no right to tell Seungcheol that he wasn't allowed to date other people whilst they had separated, but it took every ounce of his effort to avoid that. And by that point, it felt as if trying to make good impressions was just like trying to create a second personality for himself. It felt inauthentic and he wasn't sure that he was all that fond of it.

"I told them that I have a boyfriend," Seungcheol replied. "I wanted to test the waters since I knew that things weren't going to be permanent with those people. I figured that the best way to get used to hearing and feeling it was to act as if it was fact. I didn't know whether we'd ever get back to where we were, but I guessed that if it didn't sound right, that was a sign that it wasn't meant to be like that. I said that we were on a break and so we were dating other people to see whether we were better off apart, and then I left it at that." 

Everything felt numb all of a sudden. It was as if Jeonghan was stood behind himself, watching the conversation happen. He didn't know how to feel, and he didn't know how to react. How _could_ he react? Should he be happy about the fact that Seungcheol had said he was his boyfriend? Should he still be caught up on the fact that he'd been dating other people? Should he feel thankful that Seungcheol was comfortable enough to tell him that sort of thing? What was he supposed to be feeling? What was he supposed to be _saying_? He had absolutely no idea at all and it didn't really feel as if he was _ever_ going to be able to figure that out. And he didn't like it at all. So he just sat there in silence, with his hands in his lap, and stared at his plate.

Then the babbling started to come from Seungcheol. Exactly what Jeonghan had been fighting to avoid doing himself. He began to blurt out all sorts of justifications for his actions - occasionally peppered with something along the lines of "it's not a justification, it's a reason" or "I don't expect you to be happy with this" - and Jeonghan suddenly had an unfamiliar sense that _he_ had the upper-hand instead of Seungcheol. It was as if all of the power was in his hands, and he knew that if he stayed calm, he was going to be able to make things work out. It was a beautiful feeling, even though it was relatively unfamiliar to him, and he was glad to be able to experience it even once in his life.

So he took a deep breath and hummed, just as Seungcheol had done when he'd explained his poor mood and bad habits, and he moved his hands - almost mechanically - to the table, where he rested them between their plates. "I don't need you to explain yourself. I'm sad, of course, but I'm not your parent. I'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do when we've separated. You could do anything that you wanted in that space of time and it's not my place to pass judgment on you. Besides, who am I to judge you when my life choices are far poorer than anything you could've possibly done in this timeframe?"

And the look on Seungcheol's face was priceless.

Not only did he have a look of mixed confusion, surprise, and glee on his face, but it also shut him up rather quickly. It was the confirmation that he probably needed to show that Jeonghan was in the process of taking things seriously and genuinely trying to improve himself, although Jeonghan couldn't really be too sure about that. So he continued to eat his food and Seungcheol followed shortly afterward, and the conversation immediately moved to something that was a bit more positive.

Jeonghan's birthday was coming up, after all, and Seungcheol still had the tickets to Seychelles for them. Except now, he was reconsidering them because it wasn't exactly the best idea to go there, given their current situation. So he figured that it was better to go somewhere else so that they were able to embrace their romance as much as possible, but still have a safety net if they needed it. So he said he'd arrange somewhere a little bit closer to home, should Jeonghan want it. Just in case their relationship wasn't really for them or something went wrong along the way. It was probably better that way, seeing as the last thing they wanted to do was to make their first proper holiday together into something awkward and uncomfortable. But then again...

"What about Paris?" Jeonghan asked. "I know it's not closer, but it's romantic, isn't it? And I'm sure we can't fight if we're walking around cute little European streets together, and I'm sure that in the love capital, we can't really hate each other. And maybe it'll help us to fall in love that bit more. Maybe we'll finish there and you'll want me to meet your kids or something." It was a playful comment, marked perfectly with a sweet smile and a gentle nudge of his foot underneath the table, but Seungcheol's face remained somewhat harder than Jeonghan anticipated. Softer than it had been, but still harder than expected.  
"Oh," he said quietly. "I already want you to meet my kids. They're excited to meet you. I haven't mentioned that you're a man yet, but my daughter loves all of those 'boy love' comics so I'm sure she won't mind. And I've always taught my son that LGBT people aren't any risk or anything to be against, so I doubt there'll be any problems with him either. He's not as interested in gay relationships as she is, but I don't think he has a problem with it either."

That came as a surprise. Again, Jeonghan could feel a tickle telling him to flee as far away as possible, but he decided to swallow it back and stay as composed as possible. The last thing Seungcheol needed to see was him acting like a child, especially considering how close in age Jeonghan was to his grown children. "I was joking," he said regardless, hoping that it would show the anxiety and insecurity in a more positive light. Seungcheol smiled.  
"It's okay to be nervous. It's a big step. It's for whenever you're ready for that," he explained. Then he finished the final bite of his meal before putting his chopsticks down. "So Paris, hm? I'll see what I can do. Just be warned, though, the flight times might not be too comfortable if we're just booking now. I'd expect either very early in the morning or late at night. Is that okay?"

Jeonghan agreed. Then Seungcheol insisted on paying for the meal and starting to walk together, and so they began on their way towards a long stretch of river and greenery as they began to chat properly about things that had gone on between them.

To start with, it was rather comfortable. They walked side-by-side until the tension started to kick in, and then Seungcheol's hand brushed against Jeonghan's, which resulted in them linking pinky fingers and eventually taking each other's hands properly. It was something that left Jeonghan's heart pounding in his chest all over again as if their love was fresh and new. It was something that he couldn't have possibly anticipated, but something that was certainly welcome. Until, of course, Seungcheol decided to bring up the reason why they'd fallen apart in the first place. "Can I ask you why you did it?" he asked without context. Of course, Jeonghan knew exactly what he meant, but he made sure to stay quiet for a few more seconds whilst he waited for Seungcheol to clarify on his behalf. "Why you pretended to be a girl and all, that is?"

And then there was no avoiding the question. He gave a slight nod and spent a moment or two thinking it through, and then he let out a sigh to show that he was struggling to word it. Just so that Seungcheol was prepared for it. "I was poor and I wanted money, and Sugar Mommies aren't really a thing, you know. I tried it. I signed up and they were all in their mid-twenties, and they'd severely missed what it meant to be a Sugar Mommy. They were putting their budget as four million won, but what they meant was that they wanted _me_ to pay _them_ that much. They wanted to be Babies too, but they figured that Mommies and Daddies went together, rather than with Babies. And then my girlfriend... well, my _ex-_ girlfriend... told me that since I look very feminine, I could dress up and pretend to be a girl. You know, since I wasn't planning on getting romantically involved with them."

He continued to explain it as simply as he could, trying not to assign or take blame anywhere whenever possible. The fact of the matter was that he had done it because he'd felt desperate at the time, but that had come back to bite him on the ass because he'd ended up falling in love with Seungcheol somewhere along the line. And he didn't know when that was, but he knew that it had inevitably happened. He wasn't attracted to men at the start - he simply knew where the money was - but that had changed when he got to know the CEO. A complete accident, he said, but it was a sign that he wasn't just in it for the money. Whenever he thought about meeting Seungcheol, he wanted to make himself look perfect. Not just like a girl.

But then he'd decided that he had to come out at some point. His ex-girlfriend had pushed him to do so, both because she knew that Seungcheol wouldn't be happy and because she wasn't happy with the lies either, and so he'd gone to explain himself. Then Seungcheol had made a pretty big assumption, and that had left him in a position where he didn't really know what to do with himself. He couldn't say that it was wrong when he was stood naked in front of him. And it became harder and harder to tell him the longer things went on because then they started taking things to the bedroom and it was something that Jeonghan rather _enjoyed_. So that had landed him in the position where he had no way of squirming his way out of it, and he suddenly felt uncomfortable and anxious as he tried to break the news slowly. But it had to be done, and that was how they ended up where they were.

Seungcheol was silent for the longest time, and that made the anxiety worse. Of course, he was probably just taking the information in - after all, it was a _lot_ of information to take in at once - but there was no way of telling that when he was so quiet. So Jeonghan tried to use that time to calm himself down. He still had the upper-hand after Seungcheol's fizzle earlier that day, and so he didn't want to lose it by losing his cool. Even if it was proving to be one of the most difficult things he'd done in his life.

And soon after, his answer came.

"Thank you," Seungcheol said quietly. He gave Jeonghan's hand a gentle squeeze, then lifted it to his mouth so that he could press a gentle kiss to the back. A few more seconds of silence followed, and then he gradually slowed to a stop. "You know, I thought I'd be more resentful towards you, but I'd say that I still love you now. Even after everything." He proceeded to stroke Jeonghan's hand with his thumb as he stared at what was once his Sugar Baby, and the warmth that radiated off him was something that Jeonghan had certainly missed. Then he kissed Jeonghan gently on the lips as he lifted his spare hand up to cup his face, and suddenly it felt as if Jeonghan's entire world had erupted into fireworks. He knew that he'd won his place in Seungcheol's heart and that was the only thing that really mattered, and he was free to stay there so long as he didn't end up messing up again as he'd done recently.

The kiss was gentle and chaste but it meant the entire world to him. It felt like the best kiss that he'd ever shared with another person in his life. It made his heart clench and his stomach flip and his knees weak and his palms sweaty and his cheeks red and his head turn into swampy, murky water as all of his thoughts and feelings drowned in one go. But that was exactly what he wanted, and it was what he basked in as they soon continued their walk along the riverbank together until they reached the end of the path, at which point Seungcheol turned to him and smiled.

"I'm not going to invite you to stay at my place tonight," he explained right away, "But I think we should see each other again soon. Do you agree?" There was no question about it. Jeonghan absolutely agreed with his whole being. He couldn't think of anything he wanted more than to see Seungcheol again. He wanted to get back on track and sort out the problems that he'd caused. He wanted to make things better. He wanted to be together for the rest of his life with not a minute's break in between their meetings.

Then, as they turned to part ways, Seungcheol reached back to grab Jeonghan's wrist one more time, and the eye contact they made was on fire. "One last thing," he said softly. Jeonghan held his breath. "Is it safe to say we're back to being a couple, or is it something you want to give some time?"

Seungcheol was the rice to his omelet. Not necessary, but certainly a great thing to have in his life. Had he rejected such a tempting offer, he would've kicked himself right there and then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time, huh?
> 
> That's because of a long string of STRESS that's absolutely crippled me lately, oh BOY. I'm working six days a week, I got a promotion that was essentially two promotions in one, and I started university two weeks ago. But it's the National Holiday Week this week so I've managed to catch up on most of my work.
> 
> I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish this before I go home in February but who knows?! Certainly not me! It depends on whether we get the eight new staff we've been promised because currently I'm doing like four people's jobs on top of having 20 classes and teaching 1/5th of all of the students we have in our school, so please bear with me!
> 
> Love and miss you guys as always, Camel <3

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I caved and started writing again...
> 
> I just passed probation at work so I have the chance to write again, and I really need it by this point. It's tough being out here and so disconnected from everyone, especially when I used to have so many people to chat with every day.
> 
> Don't worry, though. It's not blocked where I am so I don't need to travel in order to update. It might just take a little while to get things posted, since I have many adult responsibilities now!
> 
> Love as always <3 Camel


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